{"id":20299,"date":"2021-08-05T18:23:11","date_gmt":"2021-08-05T08:23:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/margiewarrellold.flywheelsites.com\/?p=20299"},"modified":"2021-08-05T18:23:11","modified_gmt":"2021-08-05T08:23:11","slug":"self-compassion","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/margiewarrell.com\/self-compassion\/","title":{"rendered":"Turn Your Compassion Inward"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

You\u2019re such an idiot. Seriously, when will you ever figure this out<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You’re just not (good-smart-together-accomplished-successful-Fill-in-the-blank) <\/em>enough.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\u2019re a lousy presenter\/parent\/partner\/person\/(fill in the blank)<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

How often have you heard a little voice inside your head pointing out your mistakes, critiquing your conversations, or berating you for not falling short of your ideal (unlike \u2018everyone else\u2019 who seems to glide along effortlessly)?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

a) All the time?<\/em> I’m always beating myself up. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

b) Sometimes?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

c) Never? I’m absolutely awesome.<\/em> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you answered c), I suggest you move on. This article is not for you (another one on narcissism might be though.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you answered a) or b), then keep reading, particularly if you answered C! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Let\u2019s face it, if there\u2019s one thing many of us are good at, it is beating up on ourselves. Despite how kind we can be to those around us in difficult moments, many people can be outright cruel to themselves. Our innate negativity bias drives us to attend far more to our failures and dwell on our deficiencies. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And when we do nail the presentation, win the prize and get it right? We quickly downplay or pass over those successes with only a fleeting celebratory moment before our attention is pulled back to what we have yet to achieve or could still do that bit better. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s a vicious, negatively self-reinforcing cycle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Enter self-compassion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Of course, compassion is a virtue we all admire. Yet research shows that many people \u2013 particularly women \u2013 find it far easier to extend compassion toward others than toward themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dr. Kristin Neff, a professor at the University of Texas, literally wrote the book on Self Compassion<\/em><\/a>. I also got to interview her on my Live Brave podcast<\/a> where she shared her theoretical framework for self-compassion which consists of three core components – self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness of suffering. I expanded on these in this Forbes column you can read here<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now you might be thinking to yourself…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Isn’t this fluffy feel-good stuff?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Many people I coach, often very purpose-driven high-achievers, can be pretty tough on themselves. Sometimes they respond cynically to my suggestions to be a little kinder to themselves. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Surely going easy on myself is self-indulgent? It’s setting the bar high and expecting a lot from myself that drives me to work hard and get ahead. Heck, I’d probably turn into a lazy slacker if I stopped being so hard on myself. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I get it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

But the data shows otherwise. Studies<\/a> have found that people who practice self-compassion are not less motivated to work hard and get ahead, they are more so.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Self-compassion can sound like a scapegoat to facing the harder realities of life and taking ownership of when we mess up and a little self-criticism is required to lift our game. Yet research shows that being kind to yourself isn’t just a nice<\/em> thing to do, it’s smart. In fact, multiple studies show that self-compassion is a stronger predictor of resilience after setbacks than self-esteem, helping us to learn from our mistakes faster, and bounce back from them better. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It may sound counter-intuitive but when we learn to stop being so hard on ourselves it creates the space for us to be braver with our lives. When we don’t measure self-worth based on the results we achieve, we are more likely to try things and risk failure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One study<\/a> found students with higher levels of self-compassion handled disappointment more positively and stayed more motivated to keep trying after their failures. This made them less prone to performance anxiety  Because self-compassion circumvents the often-debilitating self-evaluation process, it liberates people to give themselves permission to risk failure more often. This in turn helps them learn more, grow more, and succeed more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Want to nurture your own self-compassion?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Of course, nurturing self-compassion isn\u2019t as simple as 1, 2, 3. Few worthy endeavors are. However, I\u2019ve created this four-step framework to help you turn your compassion inward. <\/p>\n\n\n\n