\u201cDon\u2019t worry. Be happy.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s a catchy tune but it can be lousy advice. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
In the midst of a tough time, being told to \u2018focus on the bright side\u2019 can just make you feel worse. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sometimes life is difficult. Disappointing. Hard. Frightening. Sad. Heartbreaking even.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Can good flow from situations that make us feel bad? Of course. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But to downplay, deny or dismiss those not-so-good feeling emotions denies the full human experience. As Dr Scott Peck wrote in The Road Less Travelled, \u201cLife is difficult. Once we truly see this truth, we transcend it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In mid-March, I felt disappointed when, after a year of planning, the tour for my new book<\/a> was cancelled. In later March, I felt anxious when my husband was hospitalized <\/a>with COVID-19 (he is now fully recovered.) In April, life felt surreal as we stayed at home to flatten the curve. May did too. Late May and early June brought a swirling mix of anger, disbelief and sadness as violence swept across American cities protesting the death of George Floyd. Then confusion, guilt and a dollop of shame… how best to respond to my own white privilege? All the while the death count kept mounting and any hopes this virus would \u2018just go away\u2019 fanned out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Then more unrest. More uncertainty. More plans disrupted and life upended.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Let\u2019s face it, sometimes, many<\/em> times<\/em>, being told to \u201cfocus on the bright side\u201d just doesn\u2019t cut it. And this comes from a die hard optimist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m sure you\u2019ve had your own times when the last thing you wanted hear was to \u201clook for the silver lining\u201d or some other saccharine platitude that sought to \u2018positive-wash\u2019 the unwanted reality you were wrestling with.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Perhaps you\u2019re in the midst of such a time right now. Many are.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As I share in my latest podcast<\/a>, in a culture that celebrates positivity, the overgeneralization of \u2018think positive\u2019 to all situations can be harmful as it denies the full human experience.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Enter toxic positivity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So if you\u2019ve been feeling bad about feeling bad, I encourage you to reframe how you view positivity. Not because having a positive mental outlook isn\u2019t beneficial. It is. (And if you read my columns, you\u2019ll know I\u2019m all for looking for the opportunity in adversity<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n Rather, when we try to hand pick which emotions we will feel and cut out those \u2018feel-bad\u2019 ones, we also cut ourselves off from the feel-great ones. In the process we confine ourselves to living only in the middle octave of life. Which, if we\u2019re truly honest, is not really living at all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So if you\u2019ve had a tough week (or month, or year… many have!) and feel pressure to \u2018put a smile on your dial\u2019 when you feel anything but, I hope the advice to follow will help you avoid the scourge of toxic positivity <\/a>and work through those not-so-fun feelings in ways that serve your highest good. <\/p>\n\n\n\n We humans aren\u2019t wired to feel pain; we\u2019re wired to avoid it. Yet the avoidance of suffering is<\/em> a form of suffering. As I wrote in You\u2019ve Got This!<\/a>, it is only by fully embracing our painful emotions – however vulnerable that makes us feel – that we can access our deepest source of strength.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You do that by leaning into, versus running from (minimizing, invalidating, drinking\/eating down or distracting yourself from) your uncomfortable emotions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Every emotion is inviting us to attend to something. So when uncomfortable emotions rise up, sit quietly and get really present to where those emotions are sitting in your body. Your chest? Your back or belly? <\/em>Notice them. Label them. Is it disappointment hurt, anxiety, overwhelm, resentment, envy?<\/em> As you do, ask yourself, what here needs my attention?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Research by neuroanatomist Jill Bolte-Taylor found that fully feeling our feelings helps to loosen their grip. So too does labelling them and claiming them as emotions we are feeling but not who we are. For instance. I\u2019m feeling really sad right now <\/em>versus I am sad right now.<\/em> See the difference? An emotion is something you feel. It\u2019s not who you are.<\/p>\n\n\n\n On the flip side, when we deny or try to avoid uncomfortable emotions, they bury deeper where, left without any channel for expression, they fester until they eventually they express themselves in destructive ways. By lashing out, inflicting pain on others, and ourselves… or growing an ulcer. Or worse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So if you\u2019re wrestling with a really hard emotion right now, keep in mind that our problems do not arise because we have anger, fear or sadness. They arise because our anger or fear and sadness has us.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Avoiding difficult emotions makes us hostage to them. As such, allowing yourself to feel all your feelings, all the way through, is a profound act of self-liberation. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Hand in hand with \u2018feeling your feelings\u2019 is not beating up on yourself for having them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m guessing that you like to see yourself as an upbeat positive person. That\u2019s great. Me too. So I know from personal experience that it can be quite confronting to your sense of identity when you feel anything but upbeat. But beating up on yourself not feeling upbeat only pulls you further down. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cNegative emotions are necessary for us to flourish,\u201d wrote Barbara Fredrickson, the Kenan Distinguished Professor of Psychology, in her book Positivity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Rather than trying to eliminate negativity we must work to cultivate the positive emotions. But you can\u2019t do that if you\u2019re beating up on yourself whenever you don\u2019t feel on top of the world. So be kind to yourself and follow the advice that self-compassion expert Kristen Neff and \u201cgive yourself permission to be fully human.\u201d (You can listen to my conversation with Kristen on my <\/em>podcast<\/em><\/a> ep. 12) <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n If you\u2019re unsure how to do that, then just imagine what the most loving person you know would say to you right now, and say that to yourself. Out loud. I promise you, it helps.<\/p>\n\n\n\nFeel all<\/em> your feelings, all<\/em> the way through<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Embrace your humanity with self-compassion<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n