Let me begin by saying\u00a0that I am not an educational specialist, child psychologist, school counsellor, ex-teacher, parenting expert or athletic\u00a0coach. However as a mother of three teens and one ‘teen-wannabee’, I often see\u00a0parents get a little (or lot!) too preoccupied with the external measures of their\u00a0children’s success – how well they\u00a0do\u00a0in school, the university\u00a0they attend or how\u00a0much they excel in the\u00a0sporting arena – and losing sight of the the inner measures that will enable them to thrive and ‘win’ in the larger game of life.<\/p>\n
Of course when I refer\u00a0to ‘winning’ in the bigger game of life, I’m not talking about coming first or being the best, but simply growing into\u00a0adults who are\u00a0whole, connected, resilient, and\u00a0fully engaged in whatever makes them come alive. My view of parenting is that we have only so many years to help our kids build ‘muscles for life’ – discernment muscles, grit muscles, responsibility muscles, self-discipline muscles, vulnerability muscles, leadership muscles, compassion muscles… courage muscles! \u00a0If they leave our nest and haven’t built them, they’ll have a far harder time taking off to soar and thrive\u00a0as adults. Here’s 7 ways we can help them\u00a0do just that. I hope a few will strike a chord.<\/p>\n
1. Help your kids learn to\u00a0discern\u00a0risk<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n Risk often gets a bad rap. But all risks aren\u2019t created equal and so we have to teach our kids to discern between foolish risks and those necessary to achieve what they want. I know, I know… easier said than done.<\/p>\n From the moment we become a parent we are wired to protect our children from harm and there is nothing we fear more than something or someone causing them harm. As we hear stories of terrible things happening to children – from catastrophic injuries to child predators – it only amplifies our fear and focus on the many ‘risks’ our children face. \u00a0Yet the reality is that the world is a dangerous place and by sheltering them from all risk, we deprive them of the opportunity to develop the skills to assess it accurately. Just because something is scary doesn\u2019t mean it’s bad for us. In fact, sometimes we have to do the very thing that we are most afraid of in order to achieve what we want most.<\/p>\n Encourage your kids to exit the safety of their comfort zone and to try things where they may risk failure or falling short. Sure they won\u2019t always get the result they want, but they\u2019ll learn a lot about what it takes to succeed next time.<\/p>\n (You can read about my son Ben jumping out of a plane from 10,000 feet up for his 13th\u00a0birthday in this older blog post\u00a0here<\/a>.)<\/p>\n 2. \u00a0Nurture their big dreams<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n On my 40th<\/sup> birthday my daughter Maddy, 10 at the time, gave me a handcrafted birthday voucher on which she wrote:<\/p>\n \u201cThis vowcher lets you be my gest at the Oscars when I am nomnated for best actres.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n I recall thinking that she stood more chance of winning an Oscar than the national spelling bee! I then tucked my \u2018vowcher\u2019 away for safe keeping until that day arrives. And if it doesn\u2019t, that\u2019s okay too. I love that she wasn\u2019t afraid to dream big.<\/p>\n Often between dressing up as Superman and graduating college, young people dial down their ambitions as the realities of the \u2018real\u2019 world press in. Lowering the bar on ambition minimizes the likelihood of not scaling it. But steering your kids toward \u2018safe\u2019 aspirations because you\u2019re afraid of what may happen if they take a path less travelled, isn\u2019t loving, it’s selfish.\u00a0\u00a0Surely it\u2019s safer in the long run for them to pursue whatever dreams inspire them than one day looking back and wondering\u00a0\u2018What if?\u2019 \u00a0Sure they may not hit the mark. They may even change their minds. But\u00a0along the journey they’ll learn more about themselves and life than they ever would otherwise. As I wrote in a recent Forbes column, we set our kids up for success when we teach them how to handle failure.\u00a0<\/a><\/p>\n I have yet to meet an adult\u00a0who told me they dreamt too big, but I\u2019ve lost count of those who\u2019ve confided they wished they\u2019d dared more boldly. Our children are capable of extraordinary things, but they’ll only realize their potential when they’re stretched and challenged and laying their pride on the line for something more important.<\/p>\n 3. Encourage non-conformity (in doses)<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cFirst impressions count,\u201d is something my kids have heard me say many times as I\u2019ve drummed into them the I importance of being polite and respectful. But I\u2019ve also encouraged them not to let \u2018what others will think\u2019 matter more than what they think themselves. There are far too many adults whose lives are governed by keeping up appearances to the detriment of all else. Accordingly, I don\u2019t care if my kids are the fastest, smartest, or first at anything. Nor do I care if they one day go to the best college or pursue the most impressive career paths. \u00a0I do care (a LOT) that they\u2019re confident to express their\u00a0individuality and march to the beat to their own drum. Doing so begins by teaching them to engage with those around them from a place of self-confidence, rather than self-consciousness,<\/strong> knowing that if they were meant to be like \u2018everybody else\u2019 they\u2019d have been born that way.<\/p>\n 4. \u00a0Share your struggles; reveal your vulnerability\u00a0<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n Life can be hard so helping your kids build their innate resilience is one of the biggest responsibilities of any parent. We set our kids up to navigate life\u2019s corners and curve balls better when we share how we are navigating our own. White washing reality or pretending all is fine when it\u2019s not doesn\u2019t serve our children in the long run. Likewise, revealing your vulnerability won\u2019t make you seem weak; it will show them you\u2019re human. The more comfortable you are with your own vulnerability, the more comfortable your children will be with theirs.<\/strong><\/p>\n My four kids have seen me shed tears over the years as I\u2019ve grieved the loss of people I love. (Actually they\u2019ve seen me shed tears watching TV commercials.) They know moving home and hemispheres numerous times hasn\u2019t always been easy for me and that I\u2019ve sometimes wrestled with difficult decisions and disappointment. Sharing your struggles teaches a powerful lesson in personal responsibly. That is, we can\u2019t always choose our circumstances, but we always get to choose our response to them.<\/p>\n 5. Refuse to trade in excuses<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n Boys will be boys, teens will be teens, and kids will be kids. \u00a0I know, I know, I know. But too often I see parents dismiss irresponsible, aggressive, thoughtless and\u00a0disrespectful behaviour as \u2018kids being kids\u2019 and let their children\u00a0off the hook from the consequences of their actions. \u00a0Just because behaviour may fall within the norm doesn\u2019t mean we should blindly tolerate it or fail to hold them to account for it. \u00a0Your kids may still be kids but they are already on the path to being the adults they will one day become. Expect more from them than they may expect from themselves.<\/strong> Trading in excuses and letting them evade consequences does them, and everyone they\u2019ll ever work or live with, a major disservice.<\/p>\n When my kids\u00a0mess up or melt-down, I try to give them the\u00a0space or encouragement they need in the moment (until their ‘neural highjack’ has passed over). However,\u00a0I also make sure\u00a0they\u00a0confront the fall out\u00a0of their behaviour and ask them to think about\u00a0how they could have handled things better (if they’re unsure, I offer up a few suggestions!) \u00a0Mistakes are wonderful opportunities for our kids to grow maturity and wisdom. Don’t spare them that opportunity by allowing them to brush them off because you’re too afraid (or proud) yourself of what that may entail.<\/p>\n