I can\u2019t think of a single parent who doesn\u2019t want their child to grow up to be happy, healthy and whole. But it requires walking a fine line.<\/p>\n
The line between protecting our kids from pain and teaching them to handle it; between supporting them where they are and challenging them to stretch themselves; between encouraging them to \u2018play to win\u2019 and preparing them to handle failure.<\/p>\n
As parents, we\u2019re wired with an inbuilt desire to protect our children from the harder realities of life \u2013 whether the sting of rejection or the disappointment of failure. But left unchecked, that primal instinct to protect can keep us from equipping our kids with the skills to handle life better. Add to that our own un-mended childhood scars, and it only amplifies our desire to steer them away from situations where they might acquire their own.<\/p>\n
A friend of mine who runs a local basketball competition for 1,000 girls age 7-9 shared with me how, upon redrawing the team margins, she was inundated with calls from upset parents complaining how their daughters\u2019 teams were no longer winning. She said a fellow parent managing an older league had experienced a similar onslaught of abuse from over competitive parents whose desire for their kids to win overrides their better judgment.<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t get me wrong, I love seeing my kids win. But having had each of my four children (now three teens and a twelve-teen year old) experience plenty of losses over the years in every sport and extra-curricular activity ever invented (at least it\u2019s felt that way), I also know that some of their best life lessons have come from NOT being on the winning team or landing the lead role. They\u2019ve come from the narrow one point defeat. They\u2019ve come from not making the A-team. And they\u2019ve come from learning how to pick themselves up and refocus on what\u2019s next.<\/p>\n
Consider the most successful adults you know. They\u2019re rarely those whose childhoods were one long string of victories, accolades and gold stars. Rather they\u2019re people who\u2019ve had their share of bumps, bruises and battles along their path to adulthood. They\u2019re also those who, having learned that failure is an event not a person, have built the grit and confidence to pursue ambitious goals that stretch and inspire them. Sure they\u2019re competitive and they play to win, but outcomes don\u2019t define them. They define themselves.<\/p>\n
Childhood passes quickly. We do our kids an immense disservice when we don\u2019t give them the emotional, mental and physical freedom to simply be kids; future grown-ups with training wheels. Too many kids today grow up feeling relentless pressure to excel. Little wonder that by the time many are teens they opt to drop out of sport all together rather than risk the crushing judgment of over bearing and insecure parents who need to prove themselves through their kids; safer not to play at all. Which is why as parents we have to encourage our kids to play for the sake of playing and learn for the sake of learning, not for the sake of the praise it may bring.<\/p>\n
In Brave I shared how, at sixteen, my oldest son Lachlan decided to spread his wings to move from Australia to the USA to pursue his passion for basketball. It\u2019s now over a year since he left home and not everything has gone to plan.
\nBut already, at seventeen, sport has equipped him with an armory of \u2018tools\u2019 that will carry him far in life, well beyond any sporting arena.<\/p>\n
I recently overheard a parent say that people who come in second are the \u2018first losers.\u2019 Their comment reflects our culture that elevates \u2018winners\u2019 \u2013 particularly those in the sporting arena – to a God-like status, with little regard for their character. Which is why I passionately believe as parents we must seize every opportunity to teach our kids to distinguish their innate worth from the results they produce (or their Instagram follower count!) We must teach them that win or lose, what matters more than being hailed as a hero is having the guts to try. We must teach them to risk mistakes, challenge the rules and make their own luck. And we must teach them that life\u2019s greatest prize isn\u2019t from winning the game, but from learning how to play it.<\/p>\n
Our children arrive in this world brimming with potential. The biggest barrier to fulfilling it is overcoming their own fear \u2013 of losing face and falling short; of messing up or missing out. But growth and comfort can\u2019t ride the same horse. And so every day they are in our care is a day we must encourage them to be bigger than their fears and to embrace the emotional discomfort that comes from taking action in their presence. And while their falls may tug at our hearts, we must remember that no matter what buffers we want to place around them, we cannot shelter them forever. Nor would it serve them if we could.<\/p>\n
Of course while this should go without saying, we cannot teach our kids to lay their pride on the line in pursuit of their dreams if we aren\u2019t willing to do it ourselves. After all, our children may not always do as we say, but they always see what we do.<\/p>\n