Covid-19 has made us appreciate many things we’d previously taken for granted!

Matt’s graduation was also very poignant for me given the huge disruption he’s had to navigate during his high school years, including attending four high schools across three continents in the span of 14 months due to our family relocations with my husband Andrew’s (former) employer.

The morning I dropped him off at the boarding school he has just graduated from in California was one of the hardest parenting days of my life.

Matt had begged us to let him leave Singapore and move 10,000 miles across the world and despite our many reservations, Andrew and I decided to trust that, while he was only 15, he knew himself well enough to know that he was not going to thrive in the very academically-focused educational environment of Singapore.  Yet that final hug goodbye wrenched on my heartstrings. As my fiercely independent 15-year-old waved me goodbye, I fought back tears until I got to my car where I sobbed for a good 30 minutes before I could even manage to start the engine.

Last Friday, Matt was awarded his schools highest honor – The Admiral James Stockdale Award – for moral courage and leadership at his graduation ceremony. My heart burst with pride and tears flowed yet again. Those strong wings he spread three years ago had only grown broader. I knew without doubt that as hard as it was to support him to fly so far, so young, we’d made the right decision.

Of course, our family situation is unique. You will also arrive at points along your journey through life that call you to do hard things; to trust that your wings are stronger than you know and that your heart can endure more than you may think.

As I wrote in You’ve Got This!, learning to ‘trust in our wings’ can not only spare us a lot of needless suffering but emboldens us to take the leap of faith in ourselves (and others) in those moments when it matters most. 

(If you haven’t had one lately, it’s coming.)

Whatever challenge you are facing now, ask yourself this question:

What would you do today if you trusted yourself that, whatever happens, you can handle it?

I regularly encounter people who tell me how they wish they were braver, more confident and self-assured. I get it. Me too. Yet only when we dare to trust in ourselves more deeply and to take a leap of faith despite our doubts can we ever come to discover our innate capacity to do hard things. Or to use the wings analogy, to know just how strong our wings truly are – how far we can travel and how high we can soar.

The world needs more leaders like Matt and more leaders like you.

It needs more people willing to do hard things even when it requires breaking ranks with the comfortable and familiar.

So just for today, decide to trust in your wings – to choose courage over comfort, self-trust over self-doubt, faith over fear.

Then tomorrow, do the same.

In a world that is bombarding us daily with reasons to hunker down and play safe, never has it been more important to make a bet on ourselves.

Maddy is finishing high school in Washington, D.C. We live in Singapore.

The shortest route to get to D.C. takes 24 hours, and we were already planning to be there a month later for her graduation.

It wouldn’t work.

“We’re so proud of her hard work, but unfortunately we won’t be able to make it,” I emailed back.

I then spent the next few days ruminating about it.

To give a little background, having my daughter finish high school on the opposite side of the world from me was never part of my plans. Far from it. Yet, after being told by his employer that my husband, Andrew, would be relocated back to the U.S. after our time in Melbourne, we decided the wisest thing to do was to move our two oldest children ahead to boarding school.

It was a tough decision, but it seemed like our best option at the time. Sacrifice now for benefit later, we figured.

And then Andrew was asked to take a role in Singapore.

Like I wrote in this blog post last May, “life is what happens when you’re making other plans.”

Having Maddy finish high school 10,000 or so miles away was not how I’d planned it. Nor was a visit to D.C. in late April, when I was already going to be in the U.S. twice in May. The first trip would be to speak at two conferences on each coast and the second to attend her graduation. Fitting in a third trip was, well, just too much, especially as I’m also speaking in China, Australia and New Zealand in May.

But still, I kept thinking about it.

I loathed the idea of not seeing the surprise on Maddy’s face when her name was called out at the special Cum Laude ceremony. That was on top of missing seeing perform in her final high school play that was on the same weekend.

Yet, three trips across the world in five weeks was a lot. Any reasonable person would agree.

However, this nagging feeling that I’d regret not going the extra mile (or 10,000) just wouldn’t go away.

Five days before the assembly, I decided to end my rumination, reshuffle all of my commitments and, inconveniencing a few people, book my flight.

As I write this now, I’m sitting in Beijing airport, waiting to board the final leg of my trip back to Singapore after a wonderful, whirlwind – but totally worth it – weekend in Washington, D.C.

I will have spent more time in airports and airplanes than I did on the ground. But life is short, and some moments simply cannot be missed.

Which brings me to the point of this article…

…the deathbed test.

The speaker at the Cum Laude ceremony was Alex S. Jones, a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist, author and former student at Maddy’s school. In his speech, he shared how he has learned to use the deathbed test when making big decisions. Like whether, in his mid-twenties, to attend Columbia University’s graduate program in journalism or head off backpacking across the Sahara Desert and traverse the length of Africa. He chose the latter to the disapproval of his parents and bewilderment of almost everyone else.

His words struck a powerful chord with me (actually, they had tears streaming down my cheeks). Not only because I also backpacked across the Sahara at a similar age, but because they affirmed the decision that had led me to be sitting in the front row of the auditorium after 36 hours of travel to get there.

So, what is the deathbed test?

It’s casting yourself into the distant future, imagining yourself lying on your deathbed and asking what your future self would want you to do at the current juncture of your life.

To stay on the path you’re travelling now – complete with its comfort, certainty, status and security – or to take the road less travelled?

To go with the convenient, “default” option, or to dig deeply and to choose the path that feels truly right, despite the hassle and hardship it creates?

Let’s face it, there will always be many reasons to justify taking the easier path, sticking with the status quo and avoiding the possibility of failure.

Yet the longer I am alive, the more firmly I believe that living a life that nurtures our souls, and not just a short-term sense of comfort or security, will often require trading comfort for inconvenience, security for uncertainty, and going that extra mile (or 10,000!) when you can easily justify not bothering.

So what about you? As you think about the big decisions in your life, and perhaps a few of the smaller ones, are you currently on a path that puts you at risk of one day looking back and wondering, perhaps regretfully, ‘What if I’d tried?’

Alex S. Jones ended his speech by quoting from one of my favourite poems by Robert Frost. As I listened to him say that it had defined his life, I realized that it may well define mine also.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

PS: Just a month now until my Live Brave Women’s Weekend. Only three spots left so if you want to ensure you never look back and wonder “What if?” or “What else?”, I encourage you to join me!

Nearly three years later, Lachlan (now 19) has grown in so many ways… including vertically! During his recent internship at the United Nations Foundation, an article he penned was published on their Girl Up blog. Titled Why Boys Become Men When They Are Feminists, he wrote that, “We {males} only emasculate ourselves when we degrade girls and women out of insecurity and fear. I’d much rather have my male identity rooted in strength and bravery than insecurity and fear.” His words seemed to strike a chord and within days a journalist for Yahoo wrote a follow-up article titled “Teenage Boy Wrote Article On Feminism and Nailed It”.

As both a mother and advocate for women and gender equality, Lachlan’s words brought me both an enormous sense of pride and optimism for the future. While I am passionate about raising all my sons to be feminists and challenge gender norms (and raising my daughter to take her seat at whatever table she sets her sights upon), his words also reaffirmed the importance of parenting our children from courage instead of fear.

Like all loving parents, my instinctive desire to protect my kids is hardwired into my psychological DNA. Yet, I also know that unless we are willing to let our children risk failure, rejection and disappointment they can never build the courage, resilience and grit to thrive in the bigger journey of life. As I wrote in a previous blog, telling them that they are capable, strong and brave is not enough. We have to encourage them to do the very things that risk falling short of the mark, grow their grit, and build their muscles-for-life.

Over the last three years, numerous things have not gone Lachlan’s way. But his disappointments and derailed plans have also taught him valuable lessons and bolstered his sense of self-efficacy to deal with life’s myriad of challenges. The same is true for my daughter Maddy who flew to Paris (a city she’d never visited before) on her own last Sunday night to study French for a month. She was a little nervous. So was I. When we hugged at Dulles airport in D.C. a few tears rolled down my cheek. My younger sons Matt and Ben gave me a hug and did what they often do: reeled off the titles of my books, telling me: “Find your courage, Stop Playing Safe and be Brave Mum. Maddy is going to Make her Mark… she’ll be just fine”. I knew they were right but that doesn’t mean I don’t have to find my own courage to send my daughter off to a foreign port.

On Tuesday morning she had to make her way on the Paris metro to the Sorbonne to start classes. On arriving she found out that her registration had not been processed properly. I had just landed back in Australia with Matt and Ben, her dad was in Houston, and neither of us speaks French so she had to figure it out for herself. Was it a little uncomfortable for me, a world away, not being able to solve this problem for her? You bet. But she figured it out and I have no doubt that she will leave Paris with more confidence than when she arrived. Hopefully, more fluent in French too!

As a mother, watching my kids spread their wings can be bittersweet. Given the recent spate of random terror attacks and all that is going on in the world right now, there’s a part of me that wants all my chicks back safely in my nest, never to venture beyond my sight. But I also know that parenting from fear only nurtures fear in our children. Not only that, but it deprives us of the joy of watching them bloom into self-assured adults and keeps them from ever realising their own potential as human beings.

Do I ever miss having my kids close by? You bet. Does my imagination ever jump to worst case scenarios, like them being caught in a random terror attack or hit by a stray bullet? Yes again. But as with everything I do, I consciously decide not to let fear set up residence in my life nor direct my decisions. Rather I refocus back on all that they are learning and who they are becoming and the many possibilities that the world holds for them and for all who dare to embrace uncertainty, dare greatly and forge their own brave path in this big world.

So if you are a parent, whether you have sons or daughters, whether they are still learning to write or have already left your nest, I encourage you to parent them from faith – in themselves, in yourself, in God or whatever universal force for good you believe in. Having uprooted my kids and moved them around the world several times, all while leaving them to pick up the balls I drop along the way as I pursue my own career and calling, I can tell you that your kids are far more resilient, resourceful and adaptable than you may think they are.

The poet Kahlil Gibran once wrote that “Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself… You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.”

We do not have our children for ourselves. We have them for the world; to leave it a better place for having walked upon it. And so, for however many years we are blessed with the privilege of raising them to stand firmly on their own (I’m not there yet!), it’s our job to instil in them a deep sense of their innate worth and personal power to achieve what they want, change what they don’t and, when things don’t go to plan, to fail forward.

As I have written in previous blogs, raising brave kids requires role modelling the very courage we wish to instil in them. But be warned: that is not a comfortable endeavour. In fact, it can be one of the most uncomfortable and courageous things you may ever have to do. But keep in mind: your children won’t always listen to what you say, but they will always notice what you do. And despite how much time they spend with their face looking at a screen, they spend even more looking up to you. Lead the way.

“This vowcher lets you be my gest at the Oscars when I am nomnated for best actres.”

(I figured she stood more chance of that than winning the national spelling bee!)

I’ve tucked it away for safe keeping until that day arrives. And if it doesn’t, that’s okay too. I just love that she wasn’t afraid to dream so big.

Too often, somewhere between wearing tiaras and leaving school we women dial down our dreams and reset our sights as the realities of the ‘real’ world crush in on us. The hurdles are higher, the competition tougher and the disappointments bigger.  Sticking with goals that minimize the sting of rejection and risk of failure seems like the better, less painful, option.

But it never is. And it never will be. And if you have a daughter, there’s nothing more important you can do to enable her to thrive in life than helping her grow into the bravest version of the woman she has it in her to be. Here’s six ways I believe you can do just that.

1. Encourage her to dream big

I was only a little older than Maddy, growing up on a dairy farm in rural Australia, when I told my parents I wanted to a journalist, like the ones on 60 Minutes. My mother said I didn’t read the newspaper enough. It was true. It only occurred to me years later that we never got one.

While we each walk a different path to parenthood, we must all be careful not to let our own experiences, including our disappointments, hurts and unmet aspirations, dampen the ambitions of our daughters. Sure, not everyone will be the next Cate Blanchet or Hilary Clinton, but better to aim high and fall short than to risk our daughters one day looking back on their lives and wondering ‘What if?’

Better to aim high and fall short than to risk our daughters
one day looking back on their lives and wondering ‘What if?’.

2. Embolden her to take risks

Each of my three sons has had at least one broken bone (one of them has had three!) My daughter, like me, hasn’t had one. I’ll admit it’s a limited data set, but it’s also good a reflection of how boys and girls differ: boys are physically rougher and more comfortable taking risks.

You could argue girls are simply ‘more sensible,’ sparing us the gray hairs we get watching our sons hurtle down hills on their skate boards and bikes – “Look mom, no hands!” But while boys are more partial to stitches and plaster casts, by adulthood they’re often also more resilient when knocked down, more comfortable exiting their comfort zone and more adept at taking risks – and not just physical risks, but psychological ones. This gives them an edge in business and life because let’s face it, everything worthwhile demands risk of some sort.

Research validates this. Despite our daughters doing better at school and university relative to our sons, once they get into the workplace women are less confident, more cautious and less likely to:

• Pursue stretch roles
• Challenge authority
• Negotiate salary or conditions
• Promote themselves, or ask for a promotion

All of these things require risk in some way – of risking rejection, criticism, looking foolish, falling short, or outright failure. Which is why giving your daughter a gentle push outside her comfort zone can sometimes be the most loving thing you can do for her because it helps her to realize she can do more than she think while building self-confidence to handle bigger challenges.  Protecting her from the pain of failure or sting of rejection doesn’t set her up to thrive in the bigger game of life, it deprives her from acquiring the skills to live it well.

3. Teach her to speak bravely, even if she gets called bossy

Facebook CFO Sheryl Sandberg believes we should #BanBossy, but, while I love her Lean In message, on this count, I think she has it wrong. We need to encourage our daughters to embrace bossy, not ban it. As the CEO of the United Nations Foundation, Kathy Calvin, shared with me in this interview below, we need to own our right to have an opinion and not let others discount its value.

Don’t get me wrong though. I’m not advocating for bossiness or any behavior that pulls people down. But I strongly believe we must encourage our daughters to own their right to express their opinion, be confident in standing their ground and to take the lead when others aren’t.

It takes courage to say something that may rock the boat. It’s why women, wired to forge connections but loathe to disrupt them, so often don’t. But when we stay silent for fear of ruffling feathers, we implicitly teach those around us that we are okay with the status quo.

But when we stay silent for fear of ruffling feathers,
we implicitly teach those around us that we are okay with the status quo.

Starting in the schoolyard and continuing throughout her life – in the workplace, friendships, and at home – your daughter will encounter people who will to pressure her, intimidate her and devalue her. She needs to know that she has to take responsibility for standing up for herself and, starting from the time she can talk, encourage her to practice doing just that. As I wrote in my book Brave, we build our bravery every time we act with it.

4. Continually remind her she is lovable and worthy, no matter what

Of course it’s hard to be brave and stand up for ourselves when we don’t believe, truly believe, that we deserve better. Which is why, above all else, our daughters need to know, beyond any doubt, that they are deeply loved and infinitely lovable – even when they’re behaving anything but.

Girls who don’t grow up believing in their inherent worth develop into women who spend their lives unconsciously searching for validation – from friends, strangers, lovers and losers alike.  Setting your daughter up to forge genuinely loving, respectful and rewarding relationships begins by having her know that she is deserving of love, worthy of respect and that she should never settle for anyone less. Eveeer!

Maddy with a Masai child we met following our climb up Mt Kilimanjaro.

5. Help her define herself beyond beauty, brands or brains

Right from the get-go, there’s enormous pressure on anyone born with a vagina to conform to the idealized images created by marketers and reinforced by mass media. Refusing to conform to that pressure is a life-long challenge for women everywhere at every age.

We give our daughters a head start when we actively nurture what makes them unique, accept them for who they are , and don’t pressure them to be someone they’re not! That requires regularly reminding them not to measure their worth by how good they are at sports or math or music, by their complexion or body shape, the brands they wear, the parties they’re invited to or by how many followers they have on Instagram. And certainly not by their ‘boyfriend’ status!

Nothing can diminish our daughters fragile sense-of-self faster than believing she has to reach some external measure of success to be worthy or ‘enough’; nothing can build her bravery more than knowing she is good enough just as she is.

6. Model the bravery you hope to inspire

Your daughter may not listen to what you say, but she notices everything you do. Nothing will teach her how to be brave better than what she learns each time she sees you being brave yourself.

Your daughter may not listen to what you say, but she notices everything you do.

So as you think about how to raise your daughter to be a confident and courageous woman – sure of herself and resilient under pressure – begin by considering where you need to practice a little more bravery yourself.   Any time you tip toe around an awkward conversation, allow someone treat you poorly, avoid taking a risk for fear of failure, or let other people’s opinions matter more than your own, you’re missing an important opportunity to teach your daughter how to be brave.

Speaking of which, when my daughter Maddy was 15, she flew from Melbourne to LA  to do an acting course. Hollywood didn’t look quite so glamorous up close. Yet it opened up a whole new world of possibilities for her anyway (she wants to have her own late night talk show now!) The following year left home and moved across the world to finish school in the US, inspired by the belief that if she works hard enough, she can do anything she wants.

Watching her go was one of the hardest, and maybe one of the bravest, things I’ve ever had to do (Darn it, I know I tell other people to think big and live brave but didn’t realize my kids were listening!) But one thing I know for sure, it’s that whatever happens, Maddy deal with it. Why? Because she’s braver than she knows. 

So too are you.

Australia’s first Ambassador for Women in Global Business, Margie Warrell is passionate about helping people live braver and better lives. A master coach, Forbes columnist, and bestselling author, she practices the concepts she writes about on her four kids. Sometimes it backfires!

At least we’d warm up hiking. Or so I thought. Within half an hour most of us felt like our fingers were going to fall off from frost-bite and one of the kids (who shall remain nameless) was crying. Within another half hour one of my other children had thrown up the porridge he’d eaten before setting out. Already the thin air was taking its toll. To say that it wasn’t the best of starts was an understatement.

En route to base-camp.

By 6 AM the sun was making its way above the horizon, warming our fingers with it. Alleluia. But by now I was starting to feel pretty nauseous myself and felt a headache settling in. Most of us did. We stopped for breaks every 10 minutes or so but as we climbed higher, ten minutes began to feel like an awful long time.

The sun rises as we hike up Kilimanjaro.

By 10 AM, over six hours into our hike, the summit seemed even further away as each step became more and more grueling. By now my nausea had reached a new level and I took my turn to vomit. The guides said I’d feel better after that. I’m not sure I did. When we’d stop for a break I found myself collapsing on to the rocks, closing my eyes and taking a nano-nap. The altitude was also taking its toll my other children. There were a few tears. “This is so hard,” said my daughter Maddy as we stared toward the summit, “I’m so disappointed in myself I’m finding it tough to keep going.”

But keep going she did. We all did. One foot in front of the other, taking regular breaks, our guides reminding us to stay hydrated.

Then, about 9 hours after starting out we arrived at the top. I would have cried but truth be told, I was too exhausted. We sat and lay on the rocks then mustered up enough energy to take the obligatory photos before heading back down.

Matthew (13 yrs) at the summit (I did the same!)

There are a lot of lessons to draw from our adventure to the rooftop of Africa. As I sit here staring out over the vast African grasslands, the one that stands out most for me is this:

The importance of ‘grit’ – simply pressing on when you feel like giving up (or in our case, every bone in your body is weary to the core!)

Whether its climbing a mountain, raising kids, finishing studies, building a business or leading a team or pursuing any goal worth achieving – sometimes you just have to roll your sleeves up, dig deep and do the hard yards even when you don’t feel like it.

Unfortunately there’s a lot of people who’ve bought into the false belief that there’s an easier way. Ever since The Secret swept the world about a decade ago people have been conned into believing that if you think really positively about things, you’ll manifest what you want with little effort on your part.

Not true.

That’s not to deny the power of the mind in attracting the opportunities, relationships, health and wealth you want. Rather it’s about doing your part to bring what you want into reality.

Make the phone call. Do your homework. Expand your skill set. Extend the invitation. Join the group. Put yourself out there. Go that extra mile. Risk the rejection. Attend that event. Take that next step. Set your alarm earlier. Keep trying!

Even when you don’t feel like it.

Because if you only ever do what you feel like doing, you’ll never do all you’re capable of achieving.

But don’t just take my word for it. Research by ‘grit’ expert Angela Duckworth has found that grit is a key predictor of success. Encouraging our kids to press on when the going is tough helps them build the grit they need to weather the storms of adulthood. Likewise, no matter how old you are, or how much you may have given up in the past, you’re never too old to grow your grit.

You do it every time you choose to keep pushing forward toward whatever it is you want when you’d rather not and especially when you can find plenty of excuses to throw in the towel. Like, you’re too old, too busy, too inexperienced, too unsure, too scared.

Building grit is hard work. If it were easy, there’d be more people living bigger lives and fewer sitting on the benches waiting for their lucky break to arrive (and complaining about why it hasn’t!) Not only that, but hard work is good for the spirit. It forges character and reveals strengths that would otherwise lay dormant.

Of course, I do not yet know how making it to the top of Kilimanjaro will shape my four teenage children. However I am certain that in the years to come when the going is tough, they will look back on that last Friday of June, 2016 and realize that they can do more than they think and when they feel they can’t go on any further, that they must merely put one more foot in front of the next. Then repeat.

Having underestimated the challenge of climbing Kilimanjaro, I now understand why about 20% of people who set up to reach her top turn back before they do. We made it to the top because we were a team that kept pulling each other up and because each of us refused to give up.

To that end, given that this year is now half way over, it’s a perfect time to ask the question:

What would you love to accomplish in the six months that remain?

Set a bold goal that stretches you as much as it inspires you.
Break it into small steps.
Enlist someone(s) to hold you accountable.
Then TAKE ACTION. Daily. Even when you don’t feel like it!

I promise you, six months from now, you’ll be so glad you did.

When I finally arrived back at base-camp 12 hours after setting out, I sat down on a rock and cried (embarrassing my kids as mother’s do!) It was part relief, part exhaustion and part a deep sense of accomplishment for pressing the many times I’d felt like giving up. I knew it would be a day my family would remember forever.

Theodore Roosevelt once said that life’s greatest prize is “Working hard at work worth doing.” There are many worthwhile things you can do in your life. All will require hard work and pressing on when you feel like giving up. None will be done if you don’t do them.

Which begs the question:

What are you waiting for?

Leave me a comment to let me know what you’ve learned about grit in your own life and what you plan to use it for next! As I wrote in Brave, you can do more than you think! As I learned on Kilimanjaro, by testing our limits, we extend them.

PS: If you’d like to look at some photos of our trip, please pop over to my Facebook page.
PPS: Thanks to all who donated to our Lift as We Climb fundraiser for The Hunger Project. We raised $5,000 to help lift women in Africa and their communities out of poverty.

Mt Kilimanjaro

“Go on a safari with my family in Africa,” he replied. 

My fourteen-year-old son Ben piped up from the couch where I’d assumed he was in a Youtube trance.

“We can see lions at the zoo. I reckon we should climb Mt Kilimanjaro instead.”

We made a compromise. Climb a mere 5,865 meters (nearly 20,0000 feet) into the sky and THEN kick back for a little lion-spotting! 

It will take us 7 days to complete our ascent. On summit day we’ll be exiting our tents at midnight (why go to bed right?) to hike 8 hours to the summit and 6 hours back to the final night’s camp. I’m highly confident that at some point during that 14 hours of oxygen-deprived climbing (they say the altitude’s the toughest part) I will ask myself why on earth I ever thought hiking to the rooftop of Africa was a good idea.

That said, I am also supremely confident that in the months and years to come, as my kids spread their wings even further, our gatherings will include plenty of tales from our climb up one of the world’s seven summits. (Likely including how much mum whined about her sore legs.) Which is, in all honesty, why I am so glad we’ve signed up to do this because I can’t imagine a much more ‘bonding’ experience for our adventure loving family. 

But that is not why I am writing this blog post now. Rather I’m writing it to solicit your support. (Please don’t click away!)

Sure, we are climbing this mountain because it will be an incredible and defining experience for our family. However we know there are millions of families and people in the world, particularly in Africa, who could never imagine, much less afford, taking on such an endeavor. Scraping enough money together to feed themselves and their families occupies their daily lives. 

It is for this reason we have decided to “Lift As We Climb” and turn this family challenge into an opportunity to support people to climb their own personal mountains, and live their lives, with greater hope and courage.

We’ve set the goal of raising $10,000 to support The Hunger Project who are doing groundbreaking work in many communities across Africa, India and Bangladesh. One hundred percent of the money we raise will go to directly to fund The Hunger Project programs in Malawi that equip women with the mindset and skills required to provide for their families, mobilize their communities and forge a far brighter future than they would otherwise.

To that end I am hoping you will consider supporting our efforts with a donation. I know you’re  asked to donate to many other worthwhile causes so anything you would like to invest will be hugely appreciate by me and ultimately by those who have none of the opportunities you and I can so easily for granted.

Here is the link to donate and show your support. All donations are tax deductible. 

The final part of our time in Africa will be spent in Nairobi where we will be venturing into Kibera slum (above), home to over one million people and one of the worlds largest slums. While there we’ll be visiting the Women for Women in Africa workshop where I will run a workshop and visiting the Baraka school, which we also support as a family. I have no doubt that our time in Kibera will be extraordinary and only serve to remind us of how much we have to be grateful for, despite the lingering soreness in our muscles.

I look forward to sharing our experience with you on this blog.

Thank you again for helping us to “lift as we climb.” We’ll take your generous spirit with us up the mountain!

Make your donation here.  

“If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.” – African Proverb.

Dad (better known as Ray Kleinitz to everyone else) left school at sixteen and, apart from a year cutting sugar cane in Australia’s far north, spent his entire working life milking cows on the small dairy farm in rural Australia (a little known place called Nungurner that doesn’t even have a shop.)

Over Easter I headed back ‘home’ to spend time with my parents, married 50 years this May. Before I left, I sat down to film this short interview for Huffington Post’s #TalkToMe: Dad’s Wisdom campaign.

I hope you’ll take five minutes to watch it and that dad’s humility and wisdom will inspire you in some small way – whether to ‘aim for the top of the ladder, not the bottom’ or to keep faith that, even amid the toughest times, everything will work out okay.

Funny enough, what affected me most from doing this interview with dad wasn’t inspiration to do more with my life, but to be more grateful for what I’ve already done. Something I’m often pretty lousy at doing.

Over the years dad has taught me a lot about gratitude. While he didn’t share it in this interview, he often says he feels like the richest man in all the world. It’s always made me smile because while dad never got close to earning a six figure income (much less to accruing a nice retirement fund), many people with far more affluence never feel remotely as wealthy.

As dad has told me many times, “Count your blessings Margie. Too often we don’t appreciate what we have until we no longer have it.”

Dad is one of my life’s greatest blessings. I hope his faith, humility and hard won wisdom will bless you in some way also! #TalkToMe

Of course when I refer to ‘winning’ in the bigger game of life, I’m not talking about coming first or being the best, but simply growing into adults who are whole, connected, resilient, and fully engaged in whatever makes them come alive. My view of parenting is that we have only so many years to help our kids build ‘muscles for life’ – discernment muscles, grit muscles, responsibility muscles, self-discipline muscles, vulnerability muscles, leadership muscles, compassion muscles… courage muscles!  If they leave our nest and haven’t built them, they’ll have a far harder time taking off to soar and thrive as adults. Here’s 7 ways we can help them do just that. I hope a few will strike a chord.

1. Help your kids learn to discern risk

Risk often gets a bad rap. But all risks aren’t created equal and so we have to teach our kids to discern between foolish risks and those necessary to achieve what they want. I know, I know… easier said than done.

From the moment we become a parent we are wired to protect our children from harm and there is nothing we fear more than something or someone causing them harm. As we hear stories of terrible things happening to children – from catastrophic injuries to child predators – it only amplifies our fear and focus on the many ‘risks’ our children face.  Yet the reality is that the world is a dangerous place and by sheltering them from all risk, we deprive them of the opportunity to develop the skills to assess it accurately. Just because something is scary doesn’t mean it’s bad for us. In fact, sometimes we have to do the very thing that we are most afraid of in order to achieve what we want most.

Encourage your kids to exit the safety of their comfort zone and to try things where they may risk failure or falling short. Sure they won’t always get the result they want, but they’ll learn a lot about what it takes to succeed next time.

(You can read about my son Ben jumping out of a plane from 10,000 feet up for his 13th birthday in this older blog post here.)

2.  Nurture their big dreams

On my 40^th birthday my daughter Maddy, 10 at the time, gave me a handcrafted birthday voucher on which she wrote:

“This vowcher lets you be my gest at the Oscars when I am nomnated for best actres.”

I recall thinking that she stood more chance of winning an Oscar than the national spelling bee! I then tucked my ‘vowcher’ away for safe keeping until that day arrives. And if it doesn’t, that’s okay too. I love that she wasn’t afraid to dream big.

Often between dressing up as Superman and graduating college, young people dial down their ambitions as the realities of the ‘real’ world press in. Lowering the bar on ambition minimizes the likelihood of not scaling it. But steering your kids toward ‘safe’ aspirations because you’re afraid of what may happen if they take a path less travelled, isn’t loving, it’s selfish.  Surely it’s safer in the long run for them to pursue whatever dreams inspire them than one day looking back and wondering ‘What if?’  Sure they may not hit the mark. They may even change their minds. But along the journey they’ll learn more about themselves and life than they ever would otherwise. As I wrote in a recent Forbes column, we set our kids up for success when we teach them how to handle failure. 

I have yet to meet an adult who told me they dreamt too big, but I’ve lost count of those who’ve confided they wished they’d dared more boldly. Our children are capable of extraordinary things, but they’ll only realize their potential when they’re stretched and challenged and laying their pride on the line for something more important.

3. Encourage non-conformity (in doses)

“First impressions count,” is something my kids have heard me say many times as I’ve drummed into them the I importance of being polite and respectful. But I’ve also encouraged them not to let ‘what others will think’ matter more than what they think themselves. There are far too many adults whose lives are governed by keeping up appearances to the detriment of all else. Accordingly, I don’t care if my kids are the fastest, smartest, or first at anything. Nor do I care if they one day go to the best college or pursue the most impressive career paths.  I do care (a LOT) that they’re confident to express their individuality and march to the beat to their own drum. Doing so begins by teaching them to engage with those around them from a place of self-confidence, rather than self-consciousness, knowing that if they were meant to be like ‘everybody else’ they’d have been born that way.

4.  Share your struggles; reveal your vulnerability 

Life can be hard so helping your kids build their innate resilience is one of the biggest responsibilities of any parent. We set our kids up to navigate life’s corners and curve balls better when we share how we are navigating our own. White washing reality or pretending all is fine when it’s not doesn’t serve our children in the long run. Likewise, revealing your vulnerability won’t make you seem weak; it will show them you’re human. The more comfortable you are with your own vulnerability, the more comfortable your children will be with theirs.

My four kids have seen me shed tears over the years as I’ve grieved the loss of people I love. (Actually they’ve seen me shed tears watching TV commercials.) They know moving home and hemispheres numerous times hasn’t always been easy for me and that I’ve sometimes wrestled with difficult decisions and disappointment. Sharing your struggles teaches a powerful lesson in personal responsibly. That is, we can’t always choose our circumstances, but we always get to choose our response to them.

5. Refuse to trade in excuses

Boys will be boys, teens will be teens, and kids will be kids.  I know, I know, I know. But too often I see parents dismiss irresponsible, aggressive, thoughtless and disrespectful behaviour as ‘kids being kids’ and let their children off the hook from the consequences of their actions.  Just because behaviour may fall within the norm doesn’t mean we should blindly tolerate it or fail to hold them to account for it.  Your kids may still be kids but they are already on the path to being the adults they will one day become. Expect more from them than they may expect from themselves. Trading in excuses and letting them evade consequences does them, and everyone they’ll ever work or live with, a major disservice.

When my kids mess up or melt-down, I try to give them the space or encouragement they need in the moment (until their ‘neural highjack’ has passed over). However, I also make sure they confront the fall out of their behaviour and ask them to think about how they could have handled things better (if they’re unsure, I offer up a few suggestions!)  Mistakes are wonderful opportunities for our kids to grow maturity and wisdom. Don’t spare them that opportunity by allowing them to brush them off because you’re too afraid (or proud) yourself of what that may entail.

6. Seize opportunities to teach self-reliance

During a parent/teacher meeting my daughter Maddy when she was in year 7, one of her teachers commented on how I expected a lot from her. I remember pondering on this afterward… was I expect too much? I decided that while I may have expected her to be responsible for managing a lot of things, I didn’t feel I was ever expecting more of her than she was capable of doing. And i certainly didn’t feel she was any worse off for how much I expected from her.

From tying an 8 year olds shoe laces, doing a year 8’s homework, to doing an 18 year olds laundry,  I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve seen parents do things for their children that their children are clearly capable of doing for themselves. While there’s nothing inherently right or wrong about filling in your kids forms for them, tidying their room or making their lunch (or building their Pinewood Derby cars as so many dads did for their scouting sons while I was living in Virginia) when they’re old and capable enough to do it themselves,  you can be depriving them of a valuable opportunity to develop life skills, the self-reliance and confidence that flows from it. Sure, you can do it better and faster than they can, but letting go your own needs a little can help them to learn a gain skills and confidence they otherwise would’t.

Fortunately my daily working mother juggling act has spared me from ever being remotely guilty of helicopter parenting.  I often have little idea what school projects my kids have to do, or when they’re due. However I know that whatever marks they get, it’s all on them. More importantly, they know it too.

7. Hug hard and hug often (even when eyes roll!)

I’ve never heard of anyone spending years in therapy because their parents were overly affectionate. Yet I’ve met and coached many adults whose deep fear of being unlovable has kept them from developing the intimate relationships and driven them to settle for destructive ones or to kill themselves trying to prove their innate worthiness.

Children learn to how to be emotionally playful and physically affectionate by experiencing it. Of course with three teenagers, and one twelve-teen in our family, I’ve come to accept that my kids don’t always love hugging me as much as I love hugging them (despite how smelly my teen sons have become!)   That said, whenever I get the chance, I wrap my arms around each of them and let them know how proud I am of them (even if not the state of their bedrooms, but that’s another topic!)

You teach your kids how to be courageous in love (and life) when you make them feel worthy of love, no matter what.  Of all the gifts we can ever give to our kids, there is none more precious than that.

Read other parenting related blog posts by Margie:  https://margiewarrell.com/brave-parenting/

Margie Warrell is a mother of four untidy but resilient and very lovable kids. She’s also a women’s coach, speaker and the bestselling author of three bravery building books.  Check out her 10 day Train The Brave Challenge to help you grow your own muscles for life at www.TrainTheBrave.com 

The line between protecting our kids from pain and teaching them to handle it; between supporting them where they are and challenging them to stretch themselves; between encouraging them to ‘play to win’ and preparing them to handle failure.

As parents, we’re wired with an inbuilt desire to protect our children from the harder realities of life – whether the sting of rejection or the disappointment of failure. But left unchecked, that primal instinct to protect can keep us from equipping our kids with the skills to handle life better. Add to that our own un-mended childhood scars, and it only amplifies our desire to steer them away from situations where they might acquire their own.

A friend of mine who runs a local basketball competition for 1,000 girls age 7-9 shared with me how, upon redrawing the team margins, she was inundated with calls from upset parents complaining how their daughters’ teams were no longer winning. She said a fellow parent managing an older league had experienced a similar onslaught of abuse from over competitive parents whose desire for their kids to win overrides their better judgment.

Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing my kids win. But having had each of my four children (now three teens and a twelve-teen year old) experience plenty of losses over the years in every sport and extra-curricular activity ever invented (at least it’s felt that way), I also know that some of their best life lessons have come from NOT being on the winning team or landing the lead role. They’ve come from the narrow one point defeat. They’ve come from not making the A-team. And they’ve come from learning how to pick themselves up and refocus on what’s next.

Consider the most successful adults you know. They’re rarely those whose childhoods were one long string of victories, accolades and gold stars. Rather they’re people who’ve had their share of bumps, bruises and battles along their path to adulthood. They’re also those who, having learned that failure is an event not a person, have built the grit and confidence to pursue ambitious goals that stretch and inspire them. Sure they’re competitive and they play to win, but outcomes don’t define them. They define themselves.

Childhood passes quickly. We do our kids an immense disservice when we don’t give them the emotional, mental and physical freedom to simply be kids; future grown-ups with training wheels. Too many kids today grow up feeling relentless pressure to excel. Little wonder that by the time many are teens they opt to drop out of sport all together rather than risk the crushing judgment of over bearing and insecure parents who need to prove themselves through their kids; safer not to play at all. Which is why as parents we have to encourage our kids to play for the sake of playing and learn for the sake of learning, not for the sake of the praise it may bring.

In Brave I shared how, at sixteen, my oldest son Lachlan decided to spread his wings to move from Australia to the USA to pursue his passion for basketball. It’s now over a year since he left home and not everything has gone to plan.
But already, at seventeen, sport has equipped him with an armory of ‘tools’ that will carry him far in life, well beyond any sporting arena.

I recently overheard a parent say that people who come in second are the ‘first losers.’ Their comment reflects our culture that elevates ‘winners’ – particularly those in the sporting arena – to a God-like status, with little regard for their character. Which is why I passionately believe as parents we must seize every opportunity to teach our kids to distinguish their innate worth from the results they produce (or their Instagram follower count!) We must teach them that win or lose, what matters more than being hailed as a hero is having the guts to try. We must teach them to risk mistakes, challenge the rules and make their own luck. And we must teach them that life’s greatest prize isn’t from winning the game, but from learning how to play it.

Our children arrive in this world brimming with potential. The biggest barrier to fulfilling it is overcoming their own fear – of losing face and falling short; of messing up or missing out. But growth and comfort can’t ride the same horse. And so every day they are in our care is a day we must encourage them to be bigger than their fears and to embrace the emotional discomfort that comes from taking action in their presence. And while their falls may tug at our hearts, we must remember that no matter what buffers we want to place around them, we cannot shelter them forever. Nor would it serve them if we could.

Of course while this should go without saying, we cannot teach our kids to lay their pride on the line in pursuit of their dreams if we aren’t willing to do it ourselves. After all, our children may not always do as we say, but they always see what we do.

Read other parenting related articles by Margie: https://margiewarrell.com/brave-parenting/

Margie Warrell is the mother of four children, author of three bestselling books and founder of RawCourage.TV