Managing risk is always an exercise in trade-offs.

The very dictionary definition of risk – “exposing oneself to the possibility of loss or injury” – lacks nuance and tilts the calculus toward avoiding risk, at least the most obvious and immediate.  What is often not adequately factored in is how, by seeking to shore up short-term exposure, they inadvertently make themselves more vulnerable.

The greatest source of risk to us is us.

As much as we’d like to think otherwise, our decisions are formed more through emotion than logic. After a distinguished military career navigating the very real and deadly risks of combat, McChrystal concluded that the greatest source of risk are not external threats and dangers. Rather the greatest source of risk to us is us. More specifically, in how we detect, assess, respond and learn from risk.

The fact that our decisions are often directed less by logic than emotion (with fear being the most dominant) explains our tendency to over-index attention on the downside of risks right in front of us and under-prepare for bad (sometimes disastrous) events that may occur in the future. When looking back on disasters, people will often say ‘Nobody saw it coming’ when, in fact, many people saw it coming. The Covid-19 pandemic is an all too recent case in point.

Today we face an ever-changing landscape of complex and ambiguous risks. We know they exist but not all are visible. Couple this with news streams bombarding us 24/7 with reasons to feel anxious and keep a mask close by, it’s unsurprising that so many people are still wearing one.

The Covid-19 pandemic has magnified our sensitivity to potential dangers – particularly the most obvious and easy to capture our imagination.  Messages to put ‘Safety First’ and ‘Better to be safe than sorry’ get embedded into our collective psyche. This is why we must be extra vigilant to discern real threats from imaginary ones and be vigilant in how we are preparing for and responding to potential risks. Failure to do so can render us vulnerable to our own biases and ‘blind spots.’

Not all risks are created equal.Reframing risk through a larger lens widens our aperture to identify less obvious paths forward.

We come hardwired with a temporal bias that discounts the distant future and channels our attention into what lies directly ahead. After lunch. Tomorrow. Quarter-end. This drives us to be over-protective in avoiding short-term at the expense of optimizing longer-term gain.  Zooming up to reframe the current moment through a larger risk context – of time and space – widens our aperture to identify less obvious paths forward and then, galvanizes our courage and collective will to take them.

In business, this could be doubling down on innovation or pulling a product that’s generating cash but distracting resources better deployed elsewhere as market trends emerge. In all situations, it requires accepting that peripheral risk-taking is necessary to protect the core, advance the mission and forge new ground. As research by Korn Ferry Institute finds, leaders who operate from a ‘courage mindset’ are more effective enterprise leaders who deliver today while transforming for tomorrow.

Beware rationalizing your timidity

The term “loss aversion bias” describes our tendency to avoid loss – of power and profit; control and comfort; status and certainty.  This bias explains why people (and organizations) often stay silent when they should speak up and default to cautious action over courageous action.  Our tendency to avoid risk is reinforced by the fact the costs of playing safe and silent are rarely obvious or immediate. No alarms go off when no action is taken. But we should not underestimate the hidden ‘timidity tax.’ Like a car engine slowly leaking oil, it eventually breaks down.

“We hate to lose more than we love to win,” wrote Daniel Kahneman wrote in Thinking Fast and Slow. When uncertainty runs high, it triggers anxiety, turning forecasts into ‘fearcasts’ and rationalizing cautious inaction.

Beware of getting buried in a spreadsheet; indecision has its own risks

Yet often we do just that, wait until we know for sure we have the right plan with the optimal risk/reward ratio. However, given the uncertainty inherent in most situations, even massive data can’t eliminate every element of chance. Considered risk assessment is smart. Burying ourselves in spreadsheets trying to tabulate every potential danger is not. As any combat soldier can tell you, in the midst of battle, it is safer to run left or right than to stand still.

We crave predictability. But it’s when we are willing to venture out of the safe lane, particularly amid heightened unknowns, that we can yield the greatest rewards.  To quote Formula One champion Ayrton Senna:

“You cannot overtake fifteen cars when it’s sunny weather, but you can when it is raining.”

Challenge your certainties

In 1946 as the first televisions hit the market, Darryl Zanuck, President of 20th Century Fox dismissed the potential competitor threat: “People will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night.” Forty years later Steve Balmer, Microsoft CEO, declared with equal confidence “The iPhone won’t be around for long.”

Often our certainty about what we absolutely know is right is our greatest source of vulnerability. To quote Mark Twain:

“What gets us into trouble is not what we don’t know. It’s what we know for sure that just ain’t so.”

Risk = Threat x Vulnerability

McChrystal points out that it is our ability to prevent, avoid or mitigate a threat that determines to what extent it constitutes a risk.

If we aren’t vulnerable, threats don’t matter.

If there are no threats, vulnerability doesn’t matter.

But more often, we cannot reduce either to zero and so we must move forward despite both the threat and our vulnerability. ‘There are risks and costs to action,’ said President John F. Kennedy, ‘but they are far less than the long-range risks of comfortable inaction.’

Counterintuitive as it is, but playing safe often makes us less secure and more vulnerable, not the other way around.

Kennedy’s words hold true both on the individual level as well as on the collective. Clearly testing the depth of water with both feet is just stupid. But being too timid to take any chance creates the greater risk of not learning, not growing, not advancing, and not discovering what lies beyond what we already know.

Not all risks are created equal. Managing it well requires being proactive in controlling every factor within our reach. As General McChrystal wrote in (which Stan elaborates on in Risk: A Users Guide:

“There is far more than lays within our control than outside of it.”

Indeed, history teaches us that no worthy endeavor is achieved without risk. Trying to bulletproof ourselves from all potential dangers puts us at risk of collapsing under the weight of our protectiveness.

What went wrong?

Investigations produced multi-layered findings. Yet beneath the complexity lay a common element.

Fear. People were afraid to speak the truth.

And so, they didn’t.

Concerns weren’t shared, mistruths were rewarded, and valuable information was filtered down as it moved up the chain.

I regularly speak to leaders who share the importance of developing talent, building strong teams, and fostering great cultures. And yet time and time again, people in their organizations tell me that they regularly hold back from speaking candidly for fear of what might happen if they do. It’s rare that they have a leader who is actively scaring them. More often they simply don’t assess that the reward is worth the potential risk.

Fear of what could go wrong often stops people from taking action and speaking up to make things more right. The presence of fear in organizations exacts a tax that is rarely immediately obvious. Of course, people don’t always die, and companies don’t always go bankrupt or fork out billions in settlements. More often, the cost of fear at play in workplaces is a slow leaking drip of value lost, creativity stymied and potential squandered.

People stop taking initiative, asking questions, sharing ideas, and confiding mistakes. Decisions are delayed, plans are polished….and polished some more. Innovation slows. Silo walls thicken. Problems aren’t voiced.

You’ve seen. I’ve seen it. The reality is that people play it safe unless they feel safe enough to do otherwise.

People play it safe unless they feel safe to do otherwise.

The biggest problems in organizations can usually be traced back to the conversations that did not occur because people didn’t feel safe enough to have them. When leaders don’t make people feel safe to risk their vulnerability and speak truthfully, they put the whole organization at risk. As Amy Edmondson shared on my latest podcast “Unsafe cultures endanger everyone.”

It’s why psychological safety – a term Edmonson popularized and defines as ‘permission for candor’ and taking interpersonal risks – has been found to be the strongest determinant of high-performing teams.

Of course, leaders play a pivotal role in building psychological safety and fostering what I call a ‘culture of courage’; every leader is, as my colleague Sarah Jensen Clayton says, a ‘chief culture architect.’ The more power they hold, the more impact they wield. For better or, as is too often the case, for worse.

If leaders aren’t proactively de-risking acts of vulnerability, they are inadvertently encouraging counter-productive behaviors and reinforcing fear-based norms that stymie growth and hold potential dormant. Individual and collective.

“The cognitive calculus errs toward caution” – Amy Edmondson

Emotions drive behavior, not logic. Telling employees to ‘be brave’ and ‘speak up’ only stokes cynicism if it’s not accompanied by consistent evidence those behaviors will be rewarded and an absence of any reason to doubt otherwise. And in today’s hybrid working environment in which many people are now connecting remotely, it’s all the easier to hide behind our screens and rationalize caution.

When people feel insecure, or have any reason to hesitate before speaking, it reinforces cautious ‘play-it-safe’ norms. After all, no one ever got fired for saying what their boss wanted to hear. At least not in the short term, which is where we naturally focus.

While leaders have the biggest role in bending the cultural norms toward courage, every person, regardless of role, can play a role to make others feel more comfortable in engaging in the conversations that matter most (this includes you.) Because just as fear is contagious, so too is courage. Here are a few ways to help you do just that.

1. Trade cleverness for curiosity

When Satya Nadella took the reins of Microsoft he saw a need to shift from a culture of experts to a culture of curiosity and went about instilling a growth mindset across the company. He encouraged employees to shift from being ‘know-it-alls’ to ‘learn-it-alls’ and role-modelled it himself.

Let’s face it, none of us know what we’re wrong about. As Daniel Kahneman noted, most people have “excessive confidence in what we believe we know” coupled with an “inability to acknowledge the full extent of our ignorance.”

So make a habit of asking questions before espousing your opinion. Get comfortable practicing a deliberate ‘I don’t know.’ Most of all, listen with an openness to change your mind.

2. Destigmatize miss-steps (starting with sharing your own)

Bernie Marcus, Home Depot co-founder, always started his weekly management meetings by sharing something he had not succeeded at in the previous week. By openly sharing his failings, he made it safer for others to try new things and scale the learning across the company by freely sharing it.

If you’re a committed learner, you will inevitably make the odd ‘miss-step’ as you fumble up the learning curve. When you do, don’t keep it to yourself. Not only does sharing your learning enlighten others, but you ameliorate the shame associated with imperfect outcomes.

3. Call on quieter voices

Our brains are wired to extend more credibility to the opinion of authority figures. So, if you are in any sort of leadership role, chances are that some trusting folks will fail to think critically about what comes out of your mouth. While flattering to the ego, it creates vulnerability because, to quote General Patton: “If everyone is thinking alike, somebody isn’t thinking.”

Make a point to actively invite the less vocal to challenge your thinking. ‘

4. Encourage ‘loyal dissent’

Beyond fostering inclusion is de-risking dissension. Research shows that the best decisions are made when high intellectual friction is coupled with low social friction. A chief responsibility of leadership is to galvanize people behind a common purpose and encourage them to challenge the established ideas about how to bring that purpose to life. Ask people, ‘What might I be missing here?’

Sometimes asking for just ‘one thing’ that might improve outcomes can reduce apprehension and yield more input… after all, you just want ‘one thing.’ For instance, ‘What is one way we could improve this process/strategy/product…?’

5. Respond well to ugly truths and silly questions

The culture at Volkswagen celebrated bold ambition but penalized not meeting targets. As VW engineers realized they couldn’t meet cost, efficiency, and emissions goals, they felt too afraid to report it. So they lied. Fear of truth-telling drives ugly truths underground. But they never stay there.

Sometimes in our eagerness to reward results, we can encourage behaviors we don’t want and discourage those that we do.

You may not like what you hear, but never make anyone regret shooting straight with you. Responding positively can make a crucial difference for a long time to come. For instance, ‘I really appreciate you bringing this to me so quickly. I’m sure it’s no fun sharing it, but I’m grateful you have.’

People need to believe that the pay-off for speaking up is worth the pitfall.

Likewise, if you’re asked a ‘silly question’, don’t make the asker feel stupid (note: self-restraint may be required.) Doing so risks shutting down very smart questions down the road. People need to believe the payoff for being brave is worth the pitfall.

Research finds that the time span between someone identifying a problem and raising it is a strong indicator of top-performing teams. Psychological safety determines that time gap.

6. Lead yourself first

Until a leader is secure in themselves, fear will be their chief counsel and they’ll be unable to make others feel secure around them. Examples of such leaders abound. Yet the only thing required to build leadership influence is having the courage to act as a leader – regardless of title.

Courage and psychological safety form a virtuous cycle. To quote Edmondson, they are “two sides of the same coin.” So whatever, your position, take it upon yourself to make others feel comfortable in being brave around you.

In every sphere, we need leaders with the courage to lay their vulnerability on the line for the sake of a nobler cause. Regardless of your title, you can choose to step up and be one of those leaders – showing up with the courage and humble curiosity you’d like to see more of in others, particularly those with the highest positions of power.

You could argue that it’s not your job to lead change. That it’s too risky and not worth it. Yet every time you rise above the inclination to play it safe and actively choose to step up to the plate, you not only empower yourself, you embolden others… and courage spreads – incubating innovation, accelerating learning and avoiding the perils of fear-driven behavior.

That’s what I call leadership.

The Top Five Regrets of The Dying has since sold over one million copies and been translated into 32 languages. 

Clearly the wisdom in her words struck a chord. 

None of us want to go to our grave with the song still in us. Yet so many of us worry that we might. 

In my latest Live Brave podcast, I share our wonderful conversation about what she learned during her years with the dying and, in particular, the five most common regrets of people as they arrive at the twilight of their lives. 

The one that stands out most strongly for me was also the most common regret – how much people wished they’d lived the life they truly wanted to live, and not the one others expected of them. 

Arriving at the end of life, when life’s clock has neared its final hour and realizing that there were so many things that they could have done, that were available for them to do, if only they had only made a different choice. 

What stopped them choosing differently? 

Fear. 

Fear of ruffling feathers or rocking the boat. 

Fear of disappointing parents or the disapproval of others they wanted to please.

Fear of being socially side-lined or venturing out and falling short and feeling foolish.

As Bronnie shared with me:

“Sometimes we are so caught up meeting the expectations of others we don’t have space to even hear what we truly want for ourselves.” 

It’s so easy to get caught up in the treadmill of living the way we think we ‘should’ live that we fail to step back from the busy-ness of our lives and reflect on what we truly want to do with our one and only precious life. 

It’s why, as I wrote in You’ve Got This!, so many people at the end of their lives wished they’d taken a leap of faith in themselves and ultimately regret far more the risks they didn’t take, than those they did. This isn’t about abrogating responsibilities or acting carelessly. It is about honoring your own desires and dreams more bravely. 

If you’d love a little inspiration, I hope you’ll take a listen as we talk about these five top regrets of the dying.  

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

You can pick up a copy of Bronnie’s book in most bookstores or just order online here.

Bronnie Ware and I have lived very different lives. Yet we have both arrived at the same conclusion:

Living a good life requires living a brave life. 

And while it may take tremendous courage at times to break through the fear we have about what might happen if we dare to pursue what tugs most on our hearts – in your careers, relationships or any aspect of our lives –  the discomfort we feel is nothing compared to the pain of arriving at life’s end and realizing we never had the courage to live it fully.  As Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbert observed, our psychological immune system can far more easily justify an excess of courage than an excess of cowardice. 

So wherever you are along your own life journey right now, beware the pull toward the familiar and the comfortable. It may be the easiest path to take in the short term, sparing you the risk of what you fear, but it can exact a steep toll in the long arch of your life. 

Because when we arrive at that final hour, few things matter more than we dared to love deeply, express ourselves fully and lived the fullest life we had it within us to live.  

So beware the long shadows of the unlived life – accumulation of unfulfilled dreams, sacrificed desires and unexpressed potential. And do not kid yourself that not pursuing what calls to you is best for the sake of others, particularly children. It cannot possibly serve those we care about to live a smaller life than that which we have it within us to live, particularly not our children who look to us for encouragement as they envision their own futures. As I’ve said to many parents (particularly mothers) how can we tell our children to pursue their dreams if we are not pursuing ours, even if only in small tiny steps when we have small tiny steps pattering around us. 

Fear regret more than you fear falling short or failing to keep people around you happy. Those who love you most will not be upset by you honoring the siren call of your soul. As I’ve found many times, the only people who are upset when we decide to honor our truth,  and set boundaries are those who’ve benefited from stepping over them.

This is the wound that Rosie Batty has had to live with since her eleven-year-old son Luke was beaten with a cricket bat, and then stabbed to death, by his father in February 2014.

Rosie’s courage, compassion and extraordinary poise in the aftermath of the most horrific nightmare any parent could imagine inspired an outpouring of public love and admiration. As Australian of the Year, her relentless and passionate advocacy against family violence shone a spotlight on its widespread prevalence. Her ongoing work has not only contributed to systemic change within Australia but empowered the voice of women and victims of domestic violence the world over.

Rosie recently invited me into her home to share her story, but more so, to share her insights on learning to live with grief while also channeling her profound loss toward something that would make a meaningful impact for others.

Sitting at Rosie’s kitchen table, drinking tea, she opened up her heart to me in a very real, and somewhat raw, conversation for my podcast. I wasn’t sure where our conversation would go and simply let it unfold. We talked about many things – from the personal nature of grief and self-forgiveness to navigating friendships when life presses in and the levers to ending family violence.

One of the many valuable gems of hardwon wisdom Rosie shared was about self-trust and not underestimating our innate resilience. When we hear of the trials and tragedies others face, a common reaction is to think “Oh, I could never deal with that if it happened to me.”  Rosie would have said the same thing. Yet in the midst of the most traumatic hours and moments of her life, she found within herself a deep well of resilience and resolve beyond what she herself had ever assumed she had.  

Of course, none of us wish to have our courage tested, not even in small ways much less as Rosie did. Yet over the course of our lives, we will all be forced to confront situations we could never have predicted, much less have prepared for. Just as I always look for the learning in my own hardships, Rosie’s experience of refinding the ground beneath her after a profound loss holds a lesson for us all. That is, to reflect upon where we may be selling ourselves short and playing ourselves small because we’ve spun ourselves a story that we are not as brave or resilient as those ‘other people’ whom we decide are made of more mettle than ourselves. People like Rosie Batty. People like burns survivor, Turia Pitt, who has said that just because most of us have never been tested to the extreme doesn’t mean we don’t have within us the strength we admire in others.

If you listen to our conversation (and I hope you will), you will hear Rosie say how  “We can never underestimate the resilience of the human spirit. Most of us are far stronger than we realize.”

Indeed we are.

Yet Nietchke’s well-worn maxim that ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ is not true. It never was. Some people come out the other side of adversity with a closed mind, an angry heart, their minds shut off from all that might otherwise heal them. Others never come out the other side at all, defined by their adversity, a victim of self-pity, their future held hostage to the past. 

Finding joy can be hard when your heart is as raw in sorrow as Rosie’s. Yet she has refused to give up on laughter (particularly at herself) and, as she shared in her book A Mothers Story, staying positive toward all the goodness life holds is a daily undertaking. “It would be easy to let this experience turn me into a bitter person,” she reflected, “but I want to use it to become a better one.”

The same is true for all of us. No matter how hard we may try to avoid the ravages on our hearts, we never can. Not if we also want to live truly joyful lives. As I shared in this previous post about my brother Peter’s death, to cut ourselves off from sadness is to also cut ourselves off from joy. The only thing we can ever really do is to open our arms wide to the full catastrophe of the human experience, and to trust that no matter how dark our days can be, how heavy our burdens can weigh, or how deep our wounds can cut, that we have it within us to rise up and once again know joy.

Only then can we regain our spiritual footing and forge a new path forward, not one that denies our sorrows or struggles, but one that draws on them to infuse a deeper dimension into our living; one that expands – not shrinks – our capacity for loving and laughing and, when the need arises, for letting go the future we had planned on living and for embracing the one we have.

I hope you will listen to my conversation with Rosie. More so, that it will help you to turn your own hardships and heartaches into living a more meaningful and wholehearted life.

Thank you for inviting me into your home Rosie. I’m honored to now call you a friend. 

You get the gist.

And then I grew up and in my first year working after graduating from university, my starting salary was more than dad had ever earnt. But still, I thought, “If only I had more…”

It was many years before I realized that I’d been caught in scarcity thinking, held hostage by the belief that ‘more is always better’. It’s a common mindset; this idea that if only I could earn more or own more then I’d have enough… then I’d be enough.

Yet it’s mythical thinking. As studies have found, once our basic needs are met (previously estimated to be $70,000 p.a. though I suspect it’s higher these days), more money buys diminishing incremental returns on happiness and life satisfaction. The point: it’s not about how much money we have, it’s about our relationship with what we have.

Little wonder some of the wealthiest people are often no happier than those with considerably less. While wealth can spare us some problems, it often exacerbates many others. As Lynne Twist, who has spent decades working with the world’s poorest and wealthiest, shared on my podcast, “If you have character flaws or blind spots, a lot of money just amplifies them.”

My dad, who spent nearly 50 years milking cows and still lives on very little, often says he feels like the richest man in all the world. It’s because he doesn’t focus on what he doesn’t have (or compare his net worth to others), but celebrates how much he does have. A wife of 50+ years. His children. Relatively good health (he is 84). A lake to fish in. Grandkids to tangle his fishing line. A hot cup of tea.

What we appreciate, appreciates. When our attention is on what is lacking – on the ‘if only’ I had more – we live from the space of insufficiency, inadequacy and incompleteness. We tell ourselves that if only we had 30% more, then we’d be happy, but forget that’s what we thought when we had 30% less than we do now. To quote Lynne: “If you’re continually focusing on what you don’t have, or need to have more of, that becomes the life-song that you sing; the space that you live from.”

Living from a space of abundance and sufficiency is not about how much money you have, but about how you feel about what you already have. When you measure your self-worth by your net worth – or for that matter, by your job title, the car you drive, the boat you own, labels you wear, follower count – then more and bigger will always be better. Yet this just leaves you stuck on a treadmill of striving but never arriving. Because let’s face it, someone will always own a bigger yacht.

Now don’t get me (or Lynne) wrong. I love boats (even better… friends with boats!). So this is not about selling the farm and living in a loincloth under a bodhi tree. It’s about shifting how you think, and how you feel, about what you already have in ways that enrich your experience of life and relationships with others. I’m sure that you, like me, have seen families torn apart and relationships destroyed over money. Very often, the larger the numbers, the greater the stress and suffering.

As Lynne wrote in her ground-breaking book The Soul of Money, living from a space that more is better just leaves us on, “a chase with no end and a race without a winner. In the mindset of scarcity, even too much is not enough”.

When you direct your money with soulful purpose, in ways that align with the highest vision of who you aspire to be, rather than in response to consumer fads or out-doing your neighbors, it will infuse a richness into your life that transcends what any material possession or dollar number can ever provide. Just ask my dad.

A renowned global visionary for her work with The Hunger Project in ending world hunger (Lynne worked with Mother Theresa and now mentors Nobel Laureates), Lynne’s insights into the ‘myths of scarcity’ and the ‘truths of sufficiency’ will help you disentangle the fear woven into your relationship with money. By examining your unconscious money mindset you can shift your relationship with money from one of scarcity to sufficiency, liberating you to enjoy a far wealthier experience of life (regardless of whether you ever own a yacht!)

If you’ve ever had angst around money – earning it, spending it, giving it, dividing it, wasting it, losing it, loaning it – our conversation may be very illuminating and deeply liberating. 

I was not long out of university when I first came upon these words by Marianne Williamson. Soon after, they inspired the decision I made with my newly-minted husband Andrew to take up jobs in Papua New Guinea. Marianne’s words have also guided countless decisions since – from more global adventures to writing my first book and having a fourth child (in five years) despite my fear of being inadequate for the task. On every count.

So it was such a thrill to meet her three years ago (on Necker Island with Richard Branson) and an equal delight to sit down with her in her Manhattan apartment a couple weeks ago to interview her for my Live Brave Podcast.

Marianne is many things. Fiery. Articulate. Direct. Unapologetic and political. When I pondered out loud if I’ve been cowardly or prudently cautious for steering out of political debates she said, “We cannot separate out our spiritual lives from the political reality in which we are living.”

Of course in the short term, it is always easier to avoid political conversations and stick to ‘safer topics’. But, as Marianne argues, the source of power is not in the government, it is in us. She advocates for a renewed spiritual and social consciousness that transcends religion or partisan politics and promotes a more holistic approach; one that converges spiritual wisdom with individual political responsibility.

Marianne Williamson, who made an unsuccessful bid for the US Congress back in 2014, is on a mission to wake people up to the gravity of the problems facing America and the planet. During our conversation she made an impassioned call for action to address the problems that are creating so much suffering – with more love, less fear; with deeper compassion, less complacency; with greater personal responsibility, less complaining, bickering and blaming.

“I feel that in the deepest part of us we want to play the big game,” she said. “But you can’t play the big game in life unless you are taking the big responsibility of life.” While we cannot always choose the circumstances of our lives, we always have the power to choose how we will respond to them. If we aren’t actively choosing to be part of the solution in addressing the problems we see around us then we become, by default, complicit in perpetuating them. What we don’t do in life has no less an impact than on what we do.

Of course, given the scale of negativity consuming our airwaves, it’s easy to buy into the belief that each of us, on our own, is powerless to make a meaningful difference.  Yet believing that we are powerless is an unconscious way of avoiding the responsibility for using our power. “In advanced democracies, nobody has the right to say ‘I can’t make a difference’,”, Marianne said. “If you are on Facebook or Instagram or Twitter, you have an influence.”

Clearly little is served by doing more of what already is not working – vilifying, deriding and dehumanizing those who hold different opinions, justifying immorality or excusing incivility, much less adding to it.

If you’re unsure where or how to begin, make time to sit down with someone who holds different political viewpoint to you. Then, without any intention of trying to change their mind, ask them to help you understand why they see things as they do. Step into their shoes and speak only to clarify your understanding, not to argue why they’ve got it all wrong.

By taking the time to genuinely see through the eyes of another, it helps people feel heard, defuse defensiveness, and, over time, can make them more willing to try to understand you. No one responds well to being told they are wrong or stupid. We all respond better when we sense that others are genuinely trying to understand how we might even be right. And everyone is better off when we can find a mutual middle ground upon which to step forward, together.

We will only address the big problems in the world when we decide to look within ourselves to see where we are failing to act with the courage, compassion and character that we want to see in those who are charged with leading us. Change will not happen from the top. It never does. It happens from the bottom – across the dinner table, at the cafe, on the bleachers, in the park – and every one of us, regardless of our positional power or social strata, holds the power to step up to the plate in our own lives and communities and to be a source of empathy, inspiration, understanding, and encouragement for those around us.

If there is one thing the recent outpouring of tributes to John McCain revealed, beyond the kind of man he was, it’s that the world is hungry for people who have the power to step up and use it well. If you have the ability to listen, to speak, to cast a vote, to share a post, or to write a note, then you are one of them. After all, how else can those who have no vote and received no education, ever enjoy the opportunity, equality and basic human rights that we all too often take for granted?

You ask yourself, “Who am I to be a change maker, a leader, a force for good and champion for change?”

Who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world.

Listen to the Live Brave Podcast

This may sound like a pretty negative thing to say but having had numerous painful periods in my life, I believe so much suffering people experience comes from trying to avoid it.

Which is why I’m excited to share with you my recent conversation with one of my all time favorite authors, Marianne Williamson. What I love most about Marianne is her fierce commitment to saying what she feels needs to be said, even if it’s not what people want to hear. Myself included. The first time we met she admonished me for ‘diminishing myself’… something we laugh about in the video below.

When we run from what is causing our pain, we set ourselves up to feel more of it. Only by having the courage to confront and sit with it can we be freed from it.

Marianne’s passion for shining a light on that which she feels needs attention is what compelled her to write her latest book. From Tears To Triumph focuses on how we can experience life’s dark and painful periods with greater courage and compassion and, in doing so, spare ourselves (and others) unnecessary suffering.

Our happiness obsessed culture has given birth to an ‘epidemic of depression.’ Unwilling to confront what has created the discord in our lives, or to simply feel the depth of our ache, we set ourselves up to feel more of it.

“Sometimes those sleepless nights, as painful as they are, are necessary for our own healing and growth.” – Marianne Williamson

As Marianne shared with me, “Sometimes those sleepless nights, as painful as they are, are necessary for our own healing and growth.” There is nothing wrong about feeling sad or down on life. It’s normal. Yet we do ourselves (and others) a profound disservice when try to numb or deny it rather than to look at what part we’ve played (or are playing) that has us feeling this way.

I hope you’ll make some time to listen to our conversation where we also talk about raising brave self-reliant children, overcoming self-doubt, letting Grace flow in to our lives and so much more!

I’d love to know what your own experience of moving from tears to triumph; from emerging through difficult periods in your life with a deeper appreciation for what they taught you.
As Marianne shares in her book, ‘The greatest opportunity for humanity in the twenty-first century is not in widening our external horizons, but in deepening our internal ones.” This applies as much to each of us on a personal level as it does collectively.

Here’s to deeper horizons and braver living.

Want to hear more of Margie’s conversations with Marianne? Subscribe to the Live Brave Podcast to hear their conversation about stepping into your power to change the world or read more on the blog at  Your Playing Small Serves No One

You can watch my full interview with Kathy for RawCourage.TV on this link.

One of the things Kathy shared with me (in the clip below) is how important it is to take responsibility for the energy you are sharing with those around you.

While it’s easy to get caught up in the drama of all that you have going on in your work and life, allowing your stress and negative energy to impact how you interact with others can profoundly undermine the quality of your relationship (including your ability to lead!) I mean, where’s the fun hanging out with an emotional vampire? Accordingly, if all you’re doing is focusing on what you don’t have, can’t do or might go wrong, then that’s the impact you’re likely having on others.

Of course you may have plenty of justifications for why you’re feeling stressed. But who doesn’t? Just read the paper if you’re looking for a few.

Taking full responsibility for how you show up at your work, for your family, and for all those you interact with is crucial for your success in work and in life. So as you read this today, I encourage you to think about who you are being for the people around you.

Someone who lifts others up, bringing optimism, enthusiasm, humor, calmness and encouragement.

Or someone who doesn’t.

Stress isn’t the enemy. It’s stressful thinking you must guard against.

While it’s easy to justify stress and negativity, that doesn’t mean it serves you. You can reduce stress in your life by changing the patterns of thought and behavior that create it and shifting where it resides in your body. Try these ideas.

1. Change your language.

Dr. Wayne Dyer once said, “There’s no such thing as stress. Just people having stressful thoughts.” Accordingly, when all you do is talk about how stressed you are, and what’s causing your stress, it amplifies it. Deciding not to talk about it and to use different language helps to shift it. For instance, instead of talking about how stressed you are or how stressful your job is, say you’ve got a lot on but you know you can handle it.

2. Shift your body.

Stress makes us take shallow breaths and to hunker down as though we are going into battle. Hence the tightness you will feel around your shoulders. Get outside for a walk or run, dance to your favorite (preferably not heavy metal!) music, stand tall or just take a few deep breaths – all these can help short circuit your stress response. Try it!

3. Manage your emotions.

You can’t not feel emotions, but you can manage them as they arise.  The more often we feel any particular emotion – whether anxiety, sadness or gratitude – the more it sets up permanent residence in our lives. We trigger and amplify those emotions by both what we are focused on (what we have vs. what we don’t have) and the story we create about it. So deciding to shift your focus and retell another story can alleviate stress from your life. Likewise engaging in an activity that fuels a positive emotion (watching a comedy, gardening, playing with your kids or looking through vacation photos) can dislodge stress and nurture optimism.

To watch more of my interviews with Kathy Calvin and other pretty cool people pop over to RawCourage.TV 

I also regularly post them onto Facebook. So if we aren’t hanging out there occasionally, let’s change that.

www.Facebook.com/MargieWarrell 

“It’s by embracing change and risking mistakes that you get ahead.” ~ Bill Marriott

One of the things I most love about my work is the people I get to meet. So it was a huge honor to be invited into Marriott headquarters to interview J.W. “Bill” Marriott, who has spent his life building the Marriott hotel chain. With hotels in 87 countries (and counting), it’s come a long way from the 9 stool root-beer stand his father C.W. Marriott started out with in 1927!

If you aren’t in the hotel industry you may not know that Marriott International recently made a USD$13.6 billion acquisition of Starwood hotels -think Sheraton & Westin. It’s been regarded as bold move by industry analysts; one that’s made a few people nervous. (I think that’s partly why I was invited along!)

Change, even change for the better, has a way of stoking anxiety. By it’s very nature it creates uncertainty and triggers our instinct for self-preservation. How will this change affect me? What if I can’t adapt? What if it fails? What if I get left behind? What if….?!

The truth is that change is never easy. There’d be far fewer people stuck in jobs they loathe and living lives of quiet desperation and never realizing their potential. Bill Marriott summed it up well:

“Change is good. Not always easy, but good and necessary. Getting too comfortable with the status quo can set you up for failure.”

If C.W. Marriott had been averse to change, I wouldn’t be writing this today. Not only did he have to change his business mix past root beer to keep his customers coming in over the winter months back in the late 1920’s, but he would never have ventured out of the restaurant business where he’d made a name for himself to open the first Marriott motel in 1959. Today Marriott International has over 4,400 hotels with several thousand more to join the Marriott family when the Starwood acquisition is finalized (making it the largest hotelier in the world.) Not bad for a business that began as a soda stand.

Of course as human beings we are wired to want to stick to what we know we can succeed at, where familiarity is high and the risk of messing things up is low. Yet as I wrote in Stop Playing Safe, playing it safe can leave people (and organizations) stagnating, languishing… getting too comfortable for their own good. As I have written before, growth and comfort can’t ride the same horse. Confidence is like a muscle, if you don’t keep flexing it, you lose it.

I hope you’ll watch the 3 ½ minute edited clip of our interview above or at this link. Near the end of our half hour conversation, Mr Marriott turned the tables and asked me a few questions. It gave me the chance to add to his earlier comment that ‘success isn’t final’. “Neither if failure,” I said. When we realize that risking failure is just par the course for success, it opens up a whole new realm of possibilities.

In the bigger game of life the only thing we can ever really fail at is letting our fear of change – of the new, untested and unknown – keep us from daring to create and contribute more than we ever otherwise would. Left unchecked, that fear drives people to think small, play safe, and avoid the very risks required to live a more meaningful life. Much less to build the world’s largest hotel chain!

So I invite you to reflect on these three questions:

1. Where do you need to make your own bold move? 
2. Where is fear of making a wrong decision keeping you from making a right one? 
3. What would you change if you were willing to trade familiarity for possibility?   

Remember, your desire for safety will always pull against your desire for growth. It’s why living your best life requires living a brave life; embracing a mindset of  “Let’s see what’s possible!”

Needless to say, it was pretty darn inspiring meeting someone in their 80’s still doing just that!