What went wrong?

Investigations produced multi-layered findings. Yet beneath the complexity lay a common element.

Fear. People were afraid to speak the truth.

And so, they didn’t.

Concerns weren’t shared, mistruths were rewarded, and valuable information was filtered down as it moved up the chain.

I regularly speak to leaders who share the importance of developing talent, building strong teams, and fostering great cultures. And yet time and time again, people in their organizations tell me that they regularly hold back from speaking candidly for fear of what might happen if they do. It’s rare that they have a leader who is actively scaring them. More often they simply don’t assess that the reward is worth the potential risk.

Fear of what could go wrong often stops people from taking action and speaking up to make things more right. The presence of fear in organizations exacts a tax that is rarely immediately obvious. Of course, people don’t always die, and companies don’t always go bankrupt or fork out billions in settlements. More often, the cost of fear at play in workplaces is a slow leaking drip of value lost, creativity stymied and potential squandered.

People stop taking initiative, asking questions, sharing ideas, and confiding mistakes. Decisions are delayed, plans are polished….and polished some more. Innovation slows. Silo walls thicken. Problems aren’t voiced.

You’ve seen. I’ve seen it. The reality is that people play it safe unless they feel safe enough to do otherwise.

People play it safe unless they feel safe to do otherwise.

The biggest problems in organizations can usually be traced back to the conversations that did not occur because people didn’t feel safe enough to have them. When leaders don’t make people feel safe to risk their vulnerability and speak truthfully, they put the whole organization at risk. As Amy Edmondson shared on my latest podcast “Unsafe cultures endanger everyone.”

It’s why psychological safety – a term Edmonson popularized and defines as ‘permission for candor’ and taking interpersonal risks – has been found to be the strongest determinant of high-performing teams.

Of course, leaders play a pivotal role in building psychological safety and fostering what I call a ‘culture of courage’; every leader is, as my colleague Sarah Jensen Clayton says, a ‘chief culture architect.’ The more power they hold, the more impact they wield. For better or, as is too often the case, for worse.

If leaders aren’t proactively de-risking acts of vulnerability, they are inadvertently encouraging counter-productive behaviors and reinforcing fear-based norms that stymie growth and hold potential dormant. Individual and collective.

“The cognitive calculus errs toward caution” – Amy Edmondson

Emotions drive behavior, not logic. Telling employees to ‘be brave’ and ‘speak up’ only stokes cynicism if it’s not accompanied by consistent evidence those behaviors will be rewarded and an absence of any reason to doubt otherwise. And in today’s hybrid working environment in which many people are now connecting remotely, it’s all the easier to hide behind our screens and rationalize caution.

When people feel insecure, or have any reason to hesitate before speaking, it reinforces cautious ‘play-it-safe’ norms. After all, no one ever got fired for saying what their boss wanted to hear. At least not in the short term, which is where we naturally focus.

While leaders have the biggest role in bending the cultural norms toward courage, every person, regardless of role, can play a role to make others feel more comfortable in engaging in the conversations that matter most (this includes you.) Because just as fear is contagious, so too is courage. Here are a few ways to help you do just that.

1. Trade cleverness for curiosity

When Satya Nadella took the reins of Microsoft he saw a need to shift from a culture of experts to a culture of curiosity and went about instilling a growth mindset across the company. He encouraged employees to shift from being ‘know-it-alls’ to ‘learn-it-alls’ and role-modelled it himself.

Let’s face it, none of us know what we’re wrong about. As Daniel Kahneman noted, most people have “excessive confidence in what we believe we know” coupled with an “inability to acknowledge the full extent of our ignorance.”

So make a habit of asking questions before espousing your opinion. Get comfortable practicing a deliberate ‘I don’t know.’ Most of all, listen with an openness to change your mind.

2. Destigmatize miss-steps (starting with sharing your own)

Bernie Marcus, Home Depot co-founder, always started his weekly management meetings by sharing something he had not succeeded at in the previous week. By openly sharing his failings, he made it safer for others to try new things and scale the learning across the company by freely sharing it.

If you’re a committed learner, you will inevitably make the odd ‘miss-step’ as you fumble up the learning curve. When you do, don’t keep it to yourself. Not only does sharing your learning enlighten others, but you ameliorate the shame associated with imperfect outcomes.

3. Call on quieter voices

Our brains are wired to extend more credibility to the opinion of authority figures. So, if you are in any sort of leadership role, chances are that some trusting folks will fail to think critically about what comes out of your mouth. While flattering to the ego, it creates vulnerability because, to quote General Patton: “If everyone is thinking alike, somebody isn’t thinking.”

Make a point to actively invite the less vocal to challenge your thinking. ‘

4. Encourage ‘loyal dissent’

Beyond fostering inclusion is de-risking dissension. Research shows that the best decisions are made when high intellectual friction is coupled with low social friction. A chief responsibility of leadership is to galvanize people behind a common purpose and encourage them to challenge the established ideas about how to bring that purpose to life. Ask people, ‘What might I be missing here?’

Sometimes asking for just ‘one thing’ that might improve outcomes can reduce apprehension and yield more input… after all, you just want ‘one thing.’ For instance, ‘What is one way we could improve this process/strategy/product…?’

5. Respond well to ugly truths and silly questions

The culture at Volkswagen celebrated bold ambition but penalized not meeting targets. As VW engineers realized they couldn’t meet cost, efficiency, and emissions goals, they felt too afraid to report it. So they lied. Fear of truth-telling drives ugly truths underground. But they never stay there.

Sometimes in our eagerness to reward results, we can encourage behaviors we don’t want and discourage those that we do.

You may not like what you hear, but never make anyone regret shooting straight with you. Responding positively can make a crucial difference for a long time to come. For instance, ‘I really appreciate you bringing this to me so quickly. I’m sure it’s no fun sharing it, but I’m grateful you have.’

People need to believe that the pay-off for speaking up is worth the pitfall.

Likewise, if you’re asked a ‘silly question’, don’t make the asker feel stupid (note: self-restraint may be required.) Doing so risks shutting down very smart questions down the road. People need to believe the payoff for being brave is worth the pitfall.

Research finds that the time span between someone identifying a problem and raising it is a strong indicator of top-performing teams. Psychological safety determines that time gap.

6. Lead yourself first

Until a leader is secure in themselves, fear will be their chief counsel and they’ll be unable to make others feel secure around them. Examples of such leaders abound. Yet the only thing required to build leadership influence is having the courage to act as a leader – regardless of title.

Courage and psychological safety form a virtuous cycle. To quote Edmondson, they are “two sides of the same coin.” So whatever, your position, take it upon yourself to make others feel comfortable in being brave around you.

In every sphere, we need leaders with the courage to lay their vulnerability on the line for the sake of a nobler cause. Regardless of your title, you can choose to step up and be one of those leaders – showing up with the courage and humble curiosity you’d like to see more of in others, particularly those with the highest positions of power.

You could argue that it’s not your job to lead change. That it’s too risky and not worth it. Yet every time you rise above the inclination to play it safe and actively choose to step up to the plate, you not only empower yourself, you embolden others… and courage spreads – incubating innovation, accelerating learning and avoiding the perils of fear-driven behavior.

That’s what I call leadership.

Because they are not synonymous.

It’s pretty safe to assume that people reading this will have different opinions about many topics.

Fiscal policy. Abortion. Parenting. Education. Climate change. Racism. Religion. Gun control. The leadership of your company, country or children’s school.

And you will likely think that your opinion is the right one.

But here’s the deal:

You don’t know what you are wrong about.

Not only do you not know what you are wrong about, but your brain is wired to actively seek out information that confirms your current beliefs and to ignore, deny or dismiss that which doesn’t. This doesn’t you a bad person. It makes you human.

Unless you are willing to lay your pride on the line and acknowledge that you do not have a monopoly on wisdom, you will find yourself being backed further and further into whatever corner of belief you’ve been investing your identity into. It’s sunk cost bias in a social realm. I am certain that you’ve encountered many people going through life with answers to questions they have never asked; committed to ‘truths’ they have never questioned.

No doubt you’ve encountered numerous people in recent years committed to ‘truths’ they have never sought to verify; living with answers to questions they’ve never asked. In summing up the core findings from his vast research in human behavior, Nobel Laureate Daniel Kahneman said:

“Our excessive confidence in what we believe we know, and our apparent inability to acknowledge the full extent of our ignorance and the uncertainty of the world we live in.”

Our experience of our own rightness kills curiosity and blinds us to data that proves us wrong. This begs the question:

How do we – individually and collectively – in our teams, communities, organizations, and society – find better answers to the most pressing problems we’re facing?

I have four suggestions.

1. Decide to value the truth over being right

This is easier said than done. It is also not psychologically comfortable. Chances are your ego will be arguing loudly for why you should hold firm to whatever you’ve been telling yourself is true. Perhaps for a long time. Perhaps your whole identity is invested in it. But simply deciding that you value what is true over what fuels your sense of righteousness is a very important first step.

2. Prioritize curiosity over certainty

Ask yourself “How might I be wrong?”

The tragic mass murder at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde, Texas, recently has once again stoked the gun control debate in America while leaving millions outside the United States scratching their heads.

I’m sure you have your own opinions on the gun issue. I certainly have mine. However, I’m not writing this column to argue my perspective. Rather, to point out the cognitive biases and blind spots that can derail meaningful dialogue, stifle progress, and perpetuate the very problems we wish to solve.

3. Listen to learn

Not to fix. Not to win. But to learn.

Whether it’s gun control or another issue that you have strong beliefs about, the next time you encounter someone who holds a belief that contradicts your own (particularly if it really triggers you!), try this:

Say, “I’m not sure I have the answer, but I’d like to understand what you think?”

And then, close your mouth and truly listen.

Listen with curiosity.

Listen with humility.

Listen with both head and heart.

Most of all, listen with the willingness to be proven wrong.

This brings me to my final suggestion…

4. Be willing to change your mind

And then, if the new information you have learned expands the lens through which you’ve been viewing a problem or issue, have the courage to change your mind and more so, to share that with others.

“You made a good point I hadn’t thought of before. I see things differently now.”

It takes a big person to concede idealistic ground they’ve previously fought hard to protect.

It takes an even bigger person to admit they had it wrong. People like Bill Marriott, Chairman of Marriott Hotels, told me that listening with humility and staying open to being proven wrong is crucial for anyone seeking to lead others.

Leaders who are certain they are right are dangerous. Their sense of intellectual superiority stifles debate, stops them truly listening, blinds them to data proving them wrong and traps them in a world of their creation but which does not exist in reality.

None of us are immune to confirmation bias. All of us can fall into this mind trap. It’s why you must consciously and continually work to counter your own bias; to actively look for how you could be wrong. And while you likely think you are right about most things, it’s almost certain that not everything you think is true and that some of what you think is, well… wrong. Or at least a little misguided.

You don’t see the world as it is, but as you are.

You see the world through the lens of your life experiences and your pool of knowledge. And chances are, someone else possesses relevant knowledge that you don’t. As I share in the video clip below from a keynote speech I gave to a room full of academic leaders (with a lot invested in their rightness), only when you are willing to unlearn what you think you know can you relearn what you need to know.

The word conversation comes from the Latin “to change, together.”

Imagine the world we could create if we were each willing to lay down our pride, put our ‘rightness’ to the side, and engage in civil conversations with genuine humility and courage.

That’s a world I’m committed to working toward. How about you?

On my final day, the senior partner of the firm (a large multinational consulting firm) invited me into his office and asked me why I was leaving. Deciding I may as well be candid since I was leaving anyway, I told him the truth. How my boss hadn’t been supportive and how I’d not been given some of the opportunities I’d been promised when they had recruited me. 

He looked at me rather sadly and replied, “I wished you’d come to talk to me about this. I would have done something.” 

It was a profound lesson about the price we pay when we let our fear of an awkward conversation keep us from speaking up, respectfully but candidly, about the issues that are weighing us down. 

And, of course, this price isn’t just one we can pay in our careers and professional lives. It’s one we can pay in our marriages, our friendships and families as well. 

As I’ve shared in my latest podcast, sometimes the conversations we most need to have are often those we least want to have. 

Deciding that you will not let your fear of having an awkward conversation can open the door to a whole new world of possibilities in every aspect of your life. 

I created my Courageous Conversations Masterclass to help you do just that. To speak up with greater confidence in ways that build trust, address tensions, resolve conflict and open a new pathway to enjoying more of what you want – influence, connection, opportunity – and less of what you don’t! 

If you’d love a little inspiration to help you step out of your conversational comfort zone, take a listen to my latest podcast. And if you think you could benefit from some more support still, check out my Courageous Conversations Masterclass here. 

Just remember, if there’s something you genuinely want to say, chances are someone genuinely needs to hear it. 

So be brave. Speak up. Your voice matters. And your relationships depend on it. 

It’s why I’m so delighted that my friend Marianne Williamson, whom I interviewed for my Live Brave podcast last September, has decided to put herself forward for the Democratic nomination for President in 2020. Clearly Marianne’s path ahead is steep. Yet as I share in my latest Forbes column, regardless of how things unfold in the brutal arena of US presidential campaigns, the fact that she has summoned the courage to venture into it is to be admired.

But this isn’t just about the need for braver, more wholehearted leaders in American politics. This is about the deep need for braver, more wholehearted leaders in every domain, at every level, in every organization, in every part of the world.

Will America be better off if more people genuinely committed to elevating the masses versus elevating themselves step into the fray to do so? You bet.

But so too will your office, your home, your community center, and pretty much every place we spend our time. Across the board, there is a deep need for more people to own their power to affect change and step up to the leadership plate – not to pull others down or dehumanize those who don’t stand with them, but to lift people up and rehumanize the dialogue.

I am not promoting any political ideology. That’s not my beat. Rather, I’m championing the core leadership values of courage, empathy, respect and integrity that are too often compromised as people either seek to gain power or to protect what perceived power they already have.

Needless to say, we aren’t all called to run for political office. Just as not everyone wants to join the C-suite. However we are each called to live by our values, even when it’s not convenient to do so. Particularly when it’s not convenient to do so.

Opportunities to do just that – to step up, to speak up or maybe to shut up and genuinely try to understand a perspective that differs from your own present themselves every single day. Often, multiple times.

Stepping out of our comfort zone to do what is right versus what is easy is the foundation of all great leadership. It’s also the cornerstone of a ‘good life.’ Just imagine the change we could collectively create if each one of us decided to focus our actions on building bridges of understanding, calling out hypocrisy, challenging old thinking and suggesting new ideas. Perhaps only small changes at first but over time, it would create a space for whole new levels of thinking, new avenues for action and better possibilities for everyone.

Likewise, imagine if instead of sitting back and waiting for others to ‘take the lead’ or to fix the problems you see around you, you decided to embrace your own personal agency to address what is not working or set to work to improve on what is – in your family, your community, your workplace, and the world at large.

So if there’s only one thing you take from this article it’s this:

You are not powerless to make an impact. Your words matter and your voice counts.

Only when people like you and me who don’t hold formal power collectively decide to exercise our personal power can we hope for a better, more tolerant, kind and humane world.

As Wayne Dyer once said, “We cannot solve our problems by complaining about them.” So if there’s something you don’t like, consider where you are called to ‘lead from within’ and do something to change it? As I share in this clip from a recent keynote speech:

Leadership does not require a position or title. It requires no more than the courage to act with it. 

And you, my friend, have all the courage you need. It’s just waiting on you to dig deep, to step into your power and to use it.

As Marianne Williamson shared in our conversation (and if you haven’t listened to the first interview I did for my podcast, you really must… it’s very inspiring!):

“The actions you don’t take (because you’re too busy or it’s too much hassle) matter every bit as the actions you do take.”

The best answers to the most pressing problems will only be found when people with diverse perspectives get off the side lines and come together to learn, to listen, to debate and then to collaborate on finding better solutions.

And if you aren’t sure how – find someone with whom you don’t see eye to eye and spent ten minutes trying to understand them better. It may not change your opinion, but who knows, your willingness to hear them out might just change theirs.

Lead from within. The world is hungry for more people to own their power to affect change; to step up, speak up and be the change they want to see.

I was at my home in McLean, Virginia. He was in a locked ward in a psychiatric hospital in Sydney half a world away. I recall feeling like I had a stone in the bottom of my stomach as the words “happy birthday, Peter” left my mouth. There was so little about his circumstances that were happy. Not only was he suffering from a terrible illness, but this was not the first birthday he had spent in a psychiatric ward. He’d woken up in a hospital on his 21st birthday, too.

In the 10 years that had passed, Peter had developed a severe case of paranoid schizophrenia. While there were times when he wasn’t doing so badly, over the years they grew shorter and further in between. Each time he descended into tormented madness, he never quite got back to his former self.

All the while, the dreams and ambitions that my athletic, quick-witted, handsome brother Pete had held for his life gradually disappeared, replaced with despair, shame, paranoia and, ultimately, hopelessness. I’ve often thought how glad I was that back in 1999, when Pete went psychotic for the first time, that none of us knew what lay ahead. I don’t think any of us—my mum or dad or five other brothers and sisters—could have coped knowing the agonizing heartache and absolute anguish that was to follow.

When Peter took his life on April 2, 2010, it was because he had given up any hope that life would ever get better. While none of us liked to admit it, we all had. Any effectiveness his medications had to quiet the demons that tormented him day and night had long seemed to disappear. A former all-star athlete, the medications had contributed to him putting on a lot of extra weight and losing his former agility. His speech, reactions and movements had all slowed, and while he never quite lost his sense of humor, the moments in which he found any lightness had grown few and far between.

As I spoke to Peter that last time, he asked about my kids. He always loved to hear how they were doing, particularly my oldest son Lachlan, who, like Pete, was passionate about basketball and in awe of his uncle’s ability to spin a ball on the end of his finger. Peter loved doing that trick for Lachlan. It was one of the few talents he never lost, though he knew he’d never be a star on the court again. In his lucid moments, he was acutely aware of the giant chasm between the life he was living and the life he’d once dreamed about. Seeing old schoolmates and friends was too painful, so he hid himself away, shame and humiliation his most constant companions.

MY BROTHER PETER WITH MY FOUR KIDS

While Peter wasn’t always easy to love during his illness, he was always, always, so loved by his family. He was living with my sister, her husband and their three children when he decided to take his leave of this world, and while we all grieved his death, what we grieved most of all was the life he never got to live. The one comfort we had was that Peter no longer suffered, that at last, in death, his mind could find the peace that had grown so elusive in his living. We also knew that he always knew we’d never stopped loving him, even when he was at his most unlovable.

On hearing the news that iconic fashion designer Kate Spade had taken her life last week, my heart hurt—for her, and for her family who loved her. Then, three days later, hearing that Anthony Bourdain had also taken his life, my heart sank yet again. I can only imagine the darkness that had descended over both of them in the hours leading up to their final decision. So much darkness. Too much darkness.

While I don’t have all the answers to curing the rise and rise of suicide and mental illness in our world today, I am certain that removing the stigma that surrounds it would help to ease the suffering of those who are struggling and make it easier for them to reach out for help when they need it.

Mental illness carries so much stigma. Too much stigma. While there is no shame taking time off work after a bout of pneumonia, sharing that you have a mental illness is an act of profound courage for the risk of rejection, judgment and discrimination people are afraid they’ll face. Just imagine if people felt as comfortable talking about their anxiety, bipolar disorder or PTSD as they do talking about their tendinitis or high cholesterol. Not only would removing the stigma markedly reduce the suffering of those who are dealing with mental health, but it will help those who are caring for them to respond with greater courage, compassion and resilience.

Sharing Peter’s struggle with paranoid schizophrenia has made me incredibly compassionate toward all who suffer from any mental illness. Compassionate also for those who try to support them. It is a heavy cross for all.

Data shows that one in five adults are suffering from mental illness and that suicide rates in the U.S. have risen 30 percent over the last 20 years. So as you read this now, chances are you’ll know at least one person who is dealing with some form of mental illness. That being the case, each and every one of us has an opportunity to help remove the stigma surrounding it and lower the barriers for people to get help.

There are many ways we can help to destigmatize mental illness and make it easier for people not to self-stigmatize themselves. Talk openly—without shame or self-consciousness—about your experience of depression, anxiety or other mental illness. If you sense someone around you may be struggling, have the courage to ask them how they’re doing. Put yourself in their shoes and imagine how they’re experiencing life. And if you are struggling yourself, I encourage you to reach out and give people the opportunity to support you (this is a gift to them, not a burden) and to keep faith that hope exists no matter how dark life may feel right now. Because it does. Rediscovering it is easier when we let others in and don’t go it alone.

If you or someone you know needs help, please contact your local Suicide Prevention Lifeline or a mental health care agency or professional.