Build Resilience | Margie Warrell | Be brave with your life!

Brave the Awkward: Forging Real Connection In A Digital World

Margie — Wed, 15 Oct 2025 09:49:38 +0000

I almost sent a text I would have regretted.

Someone had misinterpreted something I’d said, and I wanted to fix it — without making things worse. So I started composing a carefully worded message before I caught myself. Instead of hiding behind my iPhone screen, I picked it up and called her.

Within five minutes, what could have spiraled into a drawn-out misunderstanding was resolved. My voice did what twenty text messages never could — conveying my genuine concern, clearing the air, and ending with a laugh.

It reminded me how powerful (and increasingly rare) a real, unscripted (and yes, sometimes messy and awkward) conversation has become.

Chances are, you’ve seen it too: a group of young people sitting together, all on their phones — more likely to text a meme than share a real fear. I call this the connection paradox — surrounded by communication tools, yet starved of genuine connection.

At the heart of it lies something subtle but powerful: a growing reluctance to brave the awkward moments that real connection demands.

We’ve become masters of impression management — curating, editing, scripting — but amateurs at vulnerability.

We draft and redraft our replies. Some even put them into ChatGPT to polish (and yes, I see the irony of writing that here). But beneath all that polish often lies fear — fear of judgment, rejection, fumbling our words, or losing face.

“The leaders I work with rarely struggle to set strategy. What they struggle with most? The awkward conversations that bring that strategy to life.”

And it’s not just Gen Z I’m talking about. We all do it. Even seasoned leaders I work with often find themselves avoiding discomfort. Just last week, I asked a group of executives where they most regret not being braver in their careers. The majority said it was in addressing people issues. One shared:

“I should have let someone go sooner. I kept hoping things would turn around, even though I knew that was unlikely. It just felt easier to delay.”

It’s rarely a lack of intellect or information that holds leaders back — or perpetuates their biggest (avoidable) problems. It’s fear. Fear of the fallout. Fear of confrontation. Fear of defensiveness. Fear of holding people accountable — and the tension that may follow.

In an AI-fueled world of polished communication, genuine connection has never been rarer — or more valuable.

Because it’s not in grand declarations of strategy that trust and culture are built. It’s in the small, courageous, messy moments of human honesty that bring those strategies to life. Yet these are precisely the moments where courage counts most — not in setting bold strategies, but in having the honest, human conversations that bring them to life.

Long before GenAI came along, we were already defaulting to digital distance — sending emails instead of talking, texting instead of calling, posting instead of showing up. (I even wrote a Forbes column on “talking over texting” back in 2012.)

Now, with AI permeating every corner of our lives, communication requires even less of us. It doesn’t just make it easier to avoid awkward conversations — it spares us the effort of even crafting them. But here’s the thing: when something feels too easy, it often is.

“Every time we dodge an awkward moment, we weaken the interpersonal muscle that builds authentic connection and trust — and widen the gap between the influence we have and the influence we want.”

Because it’s not our perfect delivery that earns trust — it’s our willingness to be real. To show up unscripted. To be uncertain and sometimes clumsy. To be fully, awkwardly, imperfectly human. No wonder people today are more connected than ever — yet feel more alone.

📉 In 1990, 75% of Americans said they had a best friend. Today, only 59% do.

📉 The share of people with no close friends at all has quadrupled.

📉 Only 23% of employees say they feel truly connected at work.

📉 Gen Z reports the highest levels of anxiety and loneliness in the workplace.

This isn’t coincidence. It’s the predictable result of a culture fluent in emojis and memes but less practiced in emotional nuance, conversation, and good old-fashioned eye contact. Another irony: we end up experiencing more stress over time than the discomfort we sought to avoid.

We often suffer more from the compounded stress of avoiding an awkward moment that requires us to lay our vulnerability on the line than from braving the moment itself.

It’s why one of the most underrated superpowers today is our willingness to brave the awkward. To make the ask. To give the feedback. To extend the invite. To say how we really feel. Because the things we most want — trust, influence, belonging, confidence, connection — are often waiting just past the awkward moment we least want to face.

If we want to raise braver kids, build stronger teams, and nurture more connected communities, we must re-normalize the awkwardness that comes with being human.

We have to be the ones who go first — who pick up the phone, who start the honest conversation, who say:

“I’m sorry.” “I need help.” “I’m feeling upset.” “I don’t quite know how to say this, but…”

Because in today’s curated world of polished perfection, people are hungry for what’s real. I know I’m not alone when I say I’d much rather build a relationship or work with someone who fumbles over their words but speaks from the heart than someone who hides behind a screen.

So next time you’re tempted to send a perfectly edited message — or say nothing at all — pause.

Ask yourself:

“What might open up if I were willing to brave the awkward moment?”

Connection isn’t built through perfect performance. It’s built through genuine presence.

The 100th Monkey Effect: What Ripple Will You Spread?

Margie — Tue, 16 Sep 2025 09:46:35 +0000

For over 30 years, scientists had been observing Japanese monkeys (Macaca fuscata) in the wild. In 1952, they began an experiment—dropping sweet potatoes in the sand for the monkeys to find. The monkeys loved the taste but hated the gritty sand that clung to them.

Then one day, an 18-month-old monkey named Imo made a discovery. She could solve the problem by taking her potato to the water’s edge to wash before eating it. She taught this trick to her mother, then her playmates learned it and taught their mothers too.

For six years, the older monkeys stubbornly clung to the old way. But eventually, almost overnight, a critical mass adopted this new behavior—what researchers called the “Hundredth Monkey Effect.” The practice spread rapidly across the entire tribe, and washing potatoes became the new norm.

While claims that the behavior suddenly leaped to other tribes across the island lack evidence, what’s undisputed is this: a single monkey’s change in behavior sparked a cultural shift that spread throughout her community.

The importance of this story is its principle:

Individual behaviors can create a ripple effect that changes collective norms and reshapes the whole.

What social scientists call “social contagion”—the well-documented phenomenon where behaviors, attitudes, and norms spread through populations once they reach a critical threshold.

As research consistently shows, when enough individuals within a group adopt new behaviors, change accelerates exponentially until it becomes the new standard. Whether we’re talking about safety practices in organizations, cultural shifts in communities, or social movements, the pattern holds: individual choices have a ripple effect, spreading outward spreading out to shape new norms.

Right now, as political polarization reaches dangerous new heights, we’re witnessing the darkest ripples take hold. Political violence has claimed lives. Assassination attempts have become part of our political discourse. Too many people now view those who disagree with them not as fellow citizens with different perspectives, but as enemies to be defeated—or worse, eliminated.

Fear breeds more fear. Hatred fuels more hatred. What was once unthinkable—celebrating violence against political opponents or business leaders—is becoming normalized in some circles. Dehumanization hasn’t just crept into our culture; it’s taken root.

Yet just as negative ripples spread, so too can positive ones.

So too can civility, courage, and compassion.

So too can the choice to see the humanity and inherent goodness in those with whom we don’t see eye to eye, and to speak in ways that respect the dignity of our fellow humans, regardless of whether we agree with them.

As I wrote in The Courage Gap:

Change happens in circles, not rows.

It doesn’t take everyone to change everything. But if we each take responsibility for our personal agency, we can contribute to collective change. Whether it is one hundred monkeys or one million, each of us can do our part. Here are four ways you could start this week:

1. Practice the pause. Before responding to something that triggers you—whether it’s a social media post, a comment at work, or a heated dinner conversation—take a breath. Ask yourself: “Will my response add to the division or help bridge it?” Choose your words accordingly.

2. Lead with curiosity, not judgment. When someone shares a view that differs from yours, try saying: “Help me understand your perspective” or “What led you to that conclusion?” Genuine curiosity disarms defensiveness and opens dialogue.

3. Call out the good. When you see someone choosing civility over contempt or respect over ridicule—acknowledge it. A simple “I appreciate how you handled that” reinforces positive behavior and encourages others to follow suit.

4. Choose one relationship to repair. Think of someone you’ve written off or distanced yourself from due to differing views. Reach out with genuine intent to reconnect as humans first, not opposing sides. It might be uncomfortable, but discomfort generally precedes breakthrough.

Change happens in circles, not rows. What ripple will you choose to spread?

Hope is a risk that must be run.

Margie — Fri, 18 Apr 2025 06:58:06 +0000

Today is Good Friday, a sacred day in the Christian calendar and one that holds special significance for me and my family.

It was on Good Friday 17 years ago that my older brother Frank was injured in a motorbike accident that left him with paraplegia, unable to ever walk again. And it was on Good Friday, 15 years ago, that my youngest brother Peter ended his life after a long battle with mental illness. After Peter’s death, Frank joked that perhaps we should rename it Bad Friday.

Of course, we haven’t. Not because it doesn’t hold painful memories, but because at the heart of Good Friday—and the holy Easter season—is the most eternal message of hope. Hope that however large our loss, our grief will ease. Hope that no matter how raw our heart, it will heal—and that our life, while never the same, can be remade whole.

My family late 70s—pre the arrival of my sister Cath!

Of course, amid dark times, despair can knock hard on our door, tempting us to fall into self-pity, to blame, to rage at life, or cave to despair.

Why this? Why me? Why now? It’s not fair!

Nope, life is not fair. It’s why the times that wrench the hardest on your heart require you to sit with your sadness and nurse your aching heart—embracing the full spectrum of your humanity and letting go of expectations of how your life should be. Because amid the ashes of shattered dreams and broken expectations lie the seeds of new beginnings–

To put down deeper roots into the soil of our lives.

To blossom in new ways.

To grow into new dimensions of our own humanity,

And become present to the sacred that flows along the deeper stream of life.

It is no small task to surrender our well-laid plans and trust that every struggle and disappointment, in every hardship and heartache, lies a silent invitation to live more deeply and love more bravely.

Yet it is perhaps the ultimate act of courage to keep our hearts wide open the full spectrum of human emotions, however raw they make us feel.

As I wrote about in The Courage Gap while reflecting on my mums decline with dementia (p 86):

Attempting to cherry-pick the emotions we feel not only cuts us off from our full humanity but confines us to living in the middle octave of life where we risk arriving at life’s end with an unlived life still inside of us. We humans aren’t wired to embrace the low notes—those uncomfortable and painful emotions that trigger our deepest vulnerability. We’re wired for the exact opposite: to protect ourselves from pain. Yet the avoidance of suffering is a form of suffering.

We may not share the same faith, but whatever you believe, on this Good Friday, I hope you’ll be mindful of the reason for this Easter season and the message of the cross—to retain hope amid your heartache and keep faith despite your fear. Indeed, hope is risk that must be run.

Life is precious, it’s fragile and it’s finite.

So loosen your grip on how you think it ‘should’ be,

And stay open to what might yet become. When all is said and done, hope is a risk that must be run.

Sometimes the storms we think are ruining our path are really just revealing it.

Happy Easter and Live bravely!

Margie

Dear Fellow Women, You don’t need to prove your worth – just own it.

Margie — Thu, 06 Mar 2025 14:49:27 +0000

Women in leadership have always faced a higher bar. Yet amid the pushback on DEI, pressuring women to validate their worth – again – they need to boldly own it, not prove it.

“I feel like I have to prove myself all over again.”

That’s what a senior female executive confided in me recently. After decades of delivering results, mentoring others, and earning her seat at the table, she now feels renewed pressure to validate her worth. With growing pushback against DEI initiatives, she’s not alone.

Across industries, accomplished women are facing intensified scrutiny—not because their contributions have changed, but because the narrative around who deserves a seat at the table is shifting. The merit of women and other historically underrepresented groups in leadership is being questioned in ways it hasn’t been in years. And that questioning can feel personal, frustrating, even exhausting.

But here’s the truth: we don’t need to prove our worth—we need to own it.

And the data is on our side. A 2023 McKinsey & Company study found that companies with diverse leadership teams are 39% more likely to outperform competitors—a statistic that remains consistent across industries. Similarly, Harvard Business Review research shows that women consistently score higher than men in 17 of 19 key leadership capabilities, including emotional intelligence, resilience, and collaboration—qualities that drive long-term success.

Yet despite this overwhelming evidence, women still face an uphill battle. The “broken rung” in leadership pipelines remains a persistent barrier, with only 87 women promoted to management for every 100 men, according to McKinsey’s 2024 Women in the Workplace report. And now, with increasing skepticism toward DEI, the pressure to “re-prove” ourselves has ratcheted up again.

But here’s the thing: this is not the moment to shrink, retreat, or waste energy justifying why we belong at the table. Instead, it’s the time to push forward more boldly, more visibly, and with even greater conviction in the value we bring. The fate of DEI programs does not define our worth—we do.

History shows that progress is never linear. Periods of pushback have always followed periods of progress. The women who broke barriers before us—from Fortune 500 CEOs to Supreme Court Justices—didn’t wait for validation. They stepped up, spoke up, and owned their worth, even when others questioned it.

So, rather than letting this moment pull us down, we must use it to push forward. We have earned our place—not because of any initiative, but because we are damn good at what we do.

While structural changes are critical, women can also be their own catalyst for change. Here are three ways to accelerate action – the theme for this year’s International Women’s Day- and get started.

1. Own Your Difference—It’s Your Strength

Women often second-guess themselves, downplaying their unique strengths while overvaluing the qualities they think they “should” have. They over-credit their teams, under-credit themselves, and underestimate their competence—even when their performance is equal to or better than their male peers.

Yet, the most effective leaders leverage their differences, not suppress them. As Jane Fraser, CEO of Citigroup and the first woman to lead a major Wall Street bank, put it:

“I lead with humility and humanity. That’s how I build trust. That’s how I get results.”

Your difference is your greatest asset—not something to downplay. When you own your value, you magnify it.

2. Jump In—Don’t Wait To Feel 100% Ready

A common obstacle I see among female leaders across all sectors? Self-doubt. Even the most accomplished women battle it. Indra Nooyi, former CEO of PepsiCo, admitted that after decades of experience, she still encountered moments of uncertainty. But she also shared this hard-won wisdom:

“If you sit around waiting for the perfect moment, you’ll never do anything. Jump in. Figure it out.”

Yet many women hesitate, waiting until they feel 100% ready before going after new opportunities. A Hewlett-Packard study found that men apply for jobs when they meet 60% of the qualifications, while women wait until they meet 100%. Women are also more likely to attribute success to luck or external factors, whereas men credit their own abilities.

I’ve seen this pattern play out countless times. I’ve rarely met a woman whose confidence was writing checks her competence couldn’t deliver on. I cannot say the same of men. Women hesitate—not because they lack capability, but because they feel like they have to be 150% competence before they even apply. Yet if you knew exactly how to do a job on day one, it wouldn’t be worth taking. As I wrote in The Courage Gap, any goal that isn’t stretching you beyond what you can already comfortably do, isn’t worthy of you!

Confidence isn’t something you wait to feel, which risks you spending your entire life in a waiting room. Rather it’s something you build by taking action despite fear. Often the best opportunities come when we decide to take the leap before we feel fully ready, behaving our way into believing.

3. Bet on Yourself—Every Day

The space between what you’re capable of and what you actually do? That’s your courage gap. The only way to close it is to step forward even as your fear urges you to pull back, play it safe, and stay right where you are.

Courage precedes confidence.

Mary Barra, CEO of General Motors, transformed the company and redefined leadership in a male-dominated industry. Her advice?

“Do every job like you’re going to do it for the rest of your life and demonstrate that ownership mentality.”

The truth is, women who break barriers don’t wait until they feel fully ready—they give themselves permission to step up and figure it out along the way, just as men have always done. By the way, this is not a criticism of me, it’s a rally cry to women!

Take Michelle McKay, who became CEO of Cushman & Wakefield in an industry long dominated by men, or Mary Barra at GM, or Jane Fraser at Citibank. These women didn’t have all the answers when they stepped into the top job—but they backed themselves to find the best solutions to the challenges their businesses faced as they went along.

Putting our energy into proving our value robs energy from the impact we can make when we own our value.

Women in leadership have never had the luxury of waiting for the playing field to be even or for things to be fair. But we do have the power to decide how we show up, regardless of what’s trending around us.

We can stand tall in our worth, and embrace our unique feminine leadership strengths.

We can defy the doubts the doubts that would otherwise leave us a victim of imposter syndrome (which I’ve written about before).

We can make a the most important bet we ever need to make – on ourselves – even as our fear is urging us not to.

After all, courage isn’t about being fearless. It’s about refusing to let fear dictate the future.

So, whether you’re looking to take the next step in your career or reach the very top, consider this your permission slip to stop proving and start owning. When you trade proving yourself for backing yourself – fully, boldly, unapologetically – you reclaim the power given to the naysayers and start leading with courage the people and world around you truly needs.

That’s the starting point of your greatest impact.

Dr Margie Warrell is a leadership advisor and international speaker who is passionate about advancing women to decision-making tables. Her latest book, The Courage Gap provides a roadmap to do just that.

Five Years On from Fire: Finding Courage When Fear Looms Large

Margie — Mon, 30 Dec 2024 05:36:30 +0000

Back in Australia for Christmas, I’m reminded of a moment five years ago, in early 2020, that feels both distant and vividly present.

Charred leaves drifted down from an apocalyptic sky as I hurriedly helped my parents pack up their most precious belongings before fleeing the advancing bushfires. The air was thick with smoke, the future uncertain, and fear felt as close as the ash falling softly around us.

I recall thinking, “Surely nothing will eclipse this as the defining event of the year.”

Huh.

That day marked the beginning of an extraordinary chapter—some experiences chosen, others thrust upon me—which added a whole new dimension to my understanding of courage. Courage, I realized, isn’t just about taking action despite fear. It’s also about managing our fear so it doesn’t override rational thinking, narrow our perspective, undermine our decisions, and paralyze us when we most need to act.

Research supports this. Studies* show that when we’re gripped by fear, our sympathetic nervous system floods our body with cortisol and adrenaline, narrowing our cognitive and emotional capacity to think clearly. But when we consciously regulate our emotional state, we can shift from reactive fear to intentional courage.

In short: managing our fear isn’t about ignoring it—it’s about preventing it from hijacking our ability to respond wisely.

Lessons from Fear, Uncertainty, and the Space Between Them

Just months after the fires, as the pandemic tilted the world off its axis, my husband, Andrew, was hospitalized as one of Singapore’s first COVID patients, locked in their quarantine system for 30 days. At the same time, I was quarantined in our apartment with our son, Ben, while our other three children—10,000 miles away in the US—found themselves suddenly homeless as dorms closed and borders slammed shut.

For two years, I was unable to reach my mother in Australia as dementia slowly stole her away, separated by international travel restrictions and an overwhelming sense of helplessness.

Yet it wasn’t just my personal journey—including relocating from Asia to the US in late 2020—that deepened my understanding of courage. Over the last five years, I’ve worked closely with high-achieving leaders across sectors—from Fortune 500 boardrooms to political leaders in emerging democracies—and I’ve observed a striking pattern:

It’s rarely a lack of skill, intelligence, or opportunity that keeps us stuck—it’s a deficit of courage.

The Courage Gap: Why We Hesitate

Time and time again, I’ve seen incredibly capable people hesitate—not because they didn’t know what to do, but because they were afraid of what might happen if they did it.

Fear creates a gap:

Between what we could do and what we actually do.
Between what we need to say and what we actually say.

Some refer to this as the know/do gap or the think/do gap. I call it the ‘courage gap.’ And learning how to close it is crucial—not just for meeting our most pressing problems, but for realizing our most inspiring aspirations.

As Gandhi once said:

“The difference between what we do and what we are capable of doing would suffice to solve most of the world’s problems.”

The reality is that even the bravest among us can fall victim to fear. But courage doesn’t mean the fear disappears. It means we move forward anyway.

Facing 2025 with Courage

As we stand on the cusp of a new year, uncertainty remains a constant. Whether it’s in our careers, our relationships, or the broader world around us, fear will inevitably show up. But it doesn’t have to lead the way.

Over the last five years, I’ve seen fear hold back leaders, innovators, and visionaries—not because they lacked intelligence or insight, but because they overestimated the risks and underestimated their ability to handle them.

Yet courage isn’t about eliminating fear—it’s about choosing who you’ll be in its presence.

Whether the flames are literal—like those falling burnt leaves I saw five years ago—or metaphorical, showing up as uncertainty, conflict, or doubt, courage remains our most valuable ally.

If those leaves taught me anything, it’s this:

The world doesn’t need your perfection. It needs your courage.

A Shameless Plug for The Courage Gap

If these reflections resonate, I dive much deeper into this topic in my new book, The Courage Gap, launching January 28th. In it, I share research, stories, and actionable steps to help you close your own courage gap—the space between who you are and who you have the potential to become.

👉 Join my launch team and get exclusive access to the Introduction + Foreword by General Stanley McChrystal and an invitation to my live webinar on January 21st 👉Click Here

Pre-order your copy on Amazon today 👉 Click Here

Embrace the hard yards and run your own best race: Insights to my first marathon!

Margie — Mon, 30 Dec 2024 04:18:17 +0000

Growing up on a dairy farm, my dad often called me “bumblefoot”—it was meant as a term of endearment but that label that did what labels do… it stuck.

For years I internalized it to mean I lacked all athletic talent and anything requiring coordinated physical activity. Lousy at catching or hitting a ball, I avoided team sports and spun myself a story that “my legs aren’t made for running.” I carried that “can’t do” mindset with me into my 20s.. and my 30s… and even into my 40s. I channeled my outdoor energy into hiking. Including up a few mountains.

With this as context, earlier this year I made a bold decision (at least for me): to run a marathon. Just one. And given I’d only attempt one, I figured I might as well ‘go big’ – signing up for the New York City Marathon.

Now, just days away, I feel a mix of excitement and nerves. Reflecting on my journey from being out of breath running half a mile earlier this year to being ready (sort of) to run 26.2 miles (42kms) this Sunday, I want to share some insights and mental strategies for challenging self-limiting beliefs and taking on a challenge that I was once convinced was utterly impossible for me. I hope that these strategies will encourage you to pursue a goal or long-held dream —physical or otherwise.

1. Enlist Cheerleaders, But Select Carefully

Starting out, I shared my marathon goal with only my husband Andrew and two close friends. Their support helped me solidify my commitment, and once I managed a couple of miles without stopping, I felt ready to share my goal more widely. Select cheerleaders who believe in you—especially as you’re starting out and you need to lean into the belief others have in you when your own is still shaky.

2. Find a Cause Greater Than Avoiding Discomfort

While my initial motivation was personal – to empower myself – I also wanted to run for those who physically can’t, particularly people like my brother Frank, who lives with paraplegia from a spinal cord injury. Frank’s ‘can do’ mindset has always been a huge source of inspiration. Given he travelled 10,000 miles across the world to visit me, I figure I can run 26 miles to honor him. So I’m running with “Team Reeve” to raise funds for spinal injury research with the Christopher and Dana Reeve Foundation and every step I take is also for him and the many others affected by spinal injuries. To all who’ve supported my fundraising efforts, thank you. And if you haven’t yet, it’s not too late!

Margie with her brother Frank at the end of one of her longer training.

3. Dress for the Person You’re On Your Way to Becoming

Soon after I began training, I invested in quality running gear—something simple, yet surprisingly powerful in getting my ‘head in the game.” I must admit, the first dozen times I went out in my new running gear, complete with wraparound shades and a CamelBak to stay hydrated in the humid Washington DC summer, I felt like I was dressed up for Halloween as a marathon runner. I pressed on anyway, and over time, I’ve felt less like I was playing ‘dress ups’ and more like an actual athlete!

4. Run your Own Best Race

A friend who heard about my marathon ambitions told me she couldn’t bring herself to do one because she wouldn’t run as fast as she did in college. The lesson: avoid comparisons—with other runners or with the younger (and faster) version of yourself.

For me, finishing this race is winning it. I’m not competing with anyone else—or even with my younger self (not that she was much competition!). Yes, it’s a competitive world out there, but when you focus on running your own best race, you free yourself from the joy-drain of comparison and reclaim the energy – physical, emotional, creative – that would’ve been spent looking over your shoulder.

5. Embrace Discomfort as a Cue to Press Forward, Not To Give Up

Training for this marathon has required resetting my relationship with discomfort. I’ve pushed through summer heat when my legs felt made of lead. reinterpreting each step as a sign that I’m growing into my potential in a new way. There’s no irony lost on me that while training for this marathon, I’ve been finishing writing The Courage Gap, a book that encourages others to “step into discomfort” and embrace the hard yards as a cue to press forward, not to escape. Discomfort is the ticket price to every worthy endeavor.

6. Imagine How Proud Your Future-Self Will Feel

Imagining myself crossing the marathon finish line has fueled my determination and grit. Visualization isn’t just for athletes—it can help you stay motivated toward any big goal, empowering you to keep going.

Early on in my journey, I watched videos of people crossing the finish line of the NYC marathon and looking utterly elated amid their exhaustion. I bottled that emotion. Numerous times as my weary body has been “pounding the pavement” over the last six months, I mentally stepped into the shoes of my future-self arriving at that finish line. I have an inkling of how proud the bumble-footed 7-year-old inside will feel when I do.

I’m publishing this article before the big day. So yes, there’s a chance that something may happen to thwart my plans. But in the spirit of focusing on the desired future I want to experience – complete with me hobbling around the streets of New York City next Monday with a proud smile on my face along with 50,000 others who’ve also run their own best race – I’m publishing it anyway.

Counterintuitive as this may sound, the greatest reward we get from pursuing a goal that stretches as much as it inspires us is not its actual achievement. Rather, it’s getting to meet the person we’ve had to become by daring to pursue it. This is as true for running a marathon as building a business, raising a family, climbing a mountain, or leading a cause. And if you’re looking to step into more courage in any area of your life, please order yourself a copy of The Courage Gap which I wrote to help you close the gap between the potential you hold and the actions you take – bringing the bravest of yourself to your life.

POSTSCRIPT/RUN:

I’m happy to make this update that yes, I did manage to run the entire 26.2 miles. Was it easy? No, those last 6-8 miles were particularly grueling. Was it also a phenomenal experience that I will treasure forever? Heck yes! Here’s a photo… before I hit that 20-mile wall!

When to Lean in to Uncertainty and Trust Yourself

Margie — Sat, 11 May 2024 18:57:01 +0000

Many years ago, my younger sister Anne volunteered with Médecins Sans Frontières (MSF), a French medical humanitarian organization – also known as Doctors Without Borders. Anne was not long out of medical school but wanted to heed a long-held desire to help people in places where there was a deep need for medical care. Much to her surprise (and overwhelm), they sent her to an Internally Displaced Peoples camp where 40,000 people lived in temporary shelters with little food, basic amenities, and under the constant threat of the rebel attack.

Anne’s role was to run the 80-bed hospital that was powered by generators, which could only run four hours a day. Needless to say, the work was relentless, at times overwhelming, and the needs of the people far exceeded the capacity of the medical center.

Understaffed without anyone to relieve her, Anne was unable to take any breaks during her 6 months. So she worked 7 days a week, supported a small team.

Upon finishing her time there, Anne came to stay with me in the US prior to returning to Australia. As you might imagine, she needed time to decompress and renew.

I remember taking her out for coffee and asking her what was the most compelling lesson she’d gained from her extraordinary experience. She sat there for a minute and then she said:

“I now know that I can handle anything.“

I have held that insight close to my heart ever since.

While Anne’s circumstance was unique, the challenging situations I’ve found myself in have held a similar lesson: That we’re capable of more than we think.

When I moved from Australia to Texas a few weeks after 9/11 with three small children – 3, 2, and an 8-week-old baby – I felt overwhelmed. Reflecting on that time and the years that followed—having a fourth (Texan) child and launching a new career/business in a new country with no network—I’ve realized that when we have a deep commitment to a higher vision we can tap latent potential to achieve more than we ever imagined.

Of course, no worthy endeavor – from growing a business, leading change, to doing good in the world in any form – is comfortable starting out. The fact that it increases our uncertainty and demands disrupting the status quo is innately unsettling. Change always triggers our fear of what could go wrong and dials up self-doubt. And clearly, there will also be setbacks and road bumps as no plan ever survives its first encounter with reality.

Yet here’s the deal:

Just because you don’t know exactly what you’re doing doesn’t mean you don’t have the innate capacity to figure it out as you go along.

Too often, when we look at people we admire, we mistakenly assume that they always knew what they were doing. Not so. Nobody knows what they’re doing before they do it. So if you’re starting something new, cut yourself a little slack and give yourself permission to figure it out as you go along.

Our brains are wired to prioritize short-term certainty over long-term possibilities, to overestimate the risks and underestimate ourselves.

Whatever vision inspires you is no accident. So ask yourself:

What would you dare to do if you trusted your ability to figure it out as you go?

Embrace the uncertainty of the new and trust yourself that you have everything it takes to learn new ropes and meet new challenges… one day at a time.

Lead Bravely!

Trust Your Wings. You Can Do Hard Things.

Margie — Mon, 24 May 2021 11:59:18 +0000

Last week was an exciting week in our family. My oldest son Lachlan graduated university and my youngest son Matthew graduated high school. Matt’s graduation was all the more special given that of the four graduations in our family over the last 12 months (including my son Ben’s high school graduation last June and my PhD graduation in January), this was the only one that was done in person.

Covid-19 has made us appreciate many things we’d previously taken for granted!

Matt’s graduation was also very poignant for me given the huge disruption he’s had to navigate during his high school years, including attending four high schools across three continents in the span of 14 months due to our family relocations with my husband Andrew’s (former) employer.

The morning I dropped him off at the boarding school he has just graduated from in California was one of the hardest parenting days of my life.

Matt had begged us to let him leave Singapore and move 10,000 miles across the world and despite our many reservations, Andrew and I decided to trust that, while he was only 15, he knew himself well enough to know that he was not going to thrive in the very academically-focused educational environment of Singapore. Yet that final hug goodbye wrenched on my heartstrings. As my fiercely independent 15-year-old waved me goodbye, I fought back tears until I got to my car where I sobbed for a good 30 minutes before I could even manage to start the engine.

Lachlan’s virtual graduation
Matt and his fellow graduates
Matt’s graduation ceremony
My kids at Matt’s graduation
Matt with his very proud parents

Last Friday, Matt was awarded his schools highest honor – The Admiral James Stockdale Award – for moral courage and leadership at his graduation ceremony. My heart burst with pride and tears flowed yet again. Those strong wings he spread three years ago had only grown broader. I knew without doubt that as hard as it was to support him to fly so far, so young, we’d made the right decision.

Of course, our family situation is unique. You will also arrive at points along your journey through life that call you to do hard things; to trust that your wings are stronger than you know and that your heart can endure more than you may think.

As I wrote in You’ve Got This!, learning to ‘trust in our wings’ can not only spare us a lot of needless suffering but emboldens us to take the leap of faith in ourselves (and others) in those moments when it matters most.

(If you haven’t had one lately, it’s coming.)

Whatever challenge you are facing now, ask yourself this question:

What would you do today if you trusted yourself that, whatever happens, you can handle it?

I regularly encounter people who tell me how they wish they were braver, more confident and self-assured. I get it. Me too. Yet only when we dare to trust in ourselves more deeply and to take a leap of faith despite our doubts can we ever come to discover our innate capacity to do hard things. Or to use the wings analogy, to know just how strong our wings truly are – how far we can travel and how high we can soar.

The world needs more leaders like Matt and more leaders like you.

It needs more people willing to do hard things even when it requires breaking ranks with the comfortable and familiar.

So just for today, decide to trust in your wings – to choose courage over comfort, self-trust over self-doubt, faith over fear.

Then tomorrow, do the same.

In a world that is bombarding us daily with reasons to hunker down and play safe, never has it been more important to make a bet on ourselves.

Risk More Rejection

Margie — Fri, 16 Apr 2021 06:10:57 +0000

My daughter Maddy rang me last night while I was at dinner.

“I’ve missed out on another summer internship,” she said, her voice flat with disappointment. This was not her first “We regret to inform you” letterand chances are, it won’t be her last.

Tens of millions of people around the world have found themselves out of work or under-employed and feeling a little (or lot) disappointed over the last year. Yet whether you’re out of work or you’re simply working to get ahead, sooner or later you’ll be on the receiving end of a communication that makes you feel less valued than you’d like to be.

If you study history, you’ll discover that most great ‘success stories’ are also stories of great resilience, persistence and courage… of risking failure (repeatedly), pressing on in its wake, and not allowing the evaluations others put on them to depreciate the value they put on themselves.

Yet when we think of ‘successful people’, we often overlook their setbacks and focus solely on their most lauded accomplishments – the accolades they won, millions they made, mastery they accrued, or their final legacy and place in the history books.

For instance, did you know that early in her career, Oprah Winfrey was told in a job interview for a junior journalist position that she “didn’t have a face for television”? Or that as a young boy, Albert Einstein’s teachers thought he was “slow” (he did not read until he was seven) or that Zurich Polytechnic School rejected his application, deeming him not bright enough for their esteemed institution. Or that years later, upon arriving in America, he encountered regular antisemitism coupled with even more criticism.

And then there’s Walt Disney whose attempts to land a job drawing for newspapers racked up dozens of rejections. Several editors went so far as to tell him that he simply “lacked natural talent.” But on he pressed until one day, a sympathetic minister took pity on the young cartoonist and hired him to draw cartoons in a small, dirty shed behind his church. After spotting a small mouse run across the floor, Walt sketched it out. And on that day, Mickey Mouse was drawn into being.

But Disney’s story doesn’t end there. His concept to build a theme park that would be the ‘happiest place on earth’ was rumored to have been turned down over 300 times by bankers and financiers. All until one day when someone said yes.

Of course you might feel that you have little in common with the likes of Disney, Oprah or Einstein. On hearing stories like theirs’, it’s natural to assume that they “just got lucky” – that they were in the right place at the right time in history. Or that they were just exceptionally well connected, or talented, or intelligent… at levels far beyond your own.

Yet while they may have had a little bit of each, they could never have accomplished what they did had they internalized the assessments others made of them; had they over-personalized rejection or let their setbacks curb their courage.

Of course you have your own unique strengths, interests and aspirations. And chances are, at some point or another, you’ve felt dismissed or at least not fully valued by those whom you’d hoped to impress. Few among us haven’t.

However the good news is that you also have no less ability to rise above rejection or ‘bounce forward‘ from setbacks as anyone else.

My daughter Maddy, a junior in college in New York, has been trying to land an internship in the television and film development ever since her last one was canceled in March last year. After acknowledging what a bummer it was (she’d had her heart on the latest one) she lifted her spirits and said, “But don’t worry mum, I know this is just a ‘no for now, not a no for ever.’” Seems my independent minded daughter listens to me after all!

Maddy is acutely aware that she is but one of millions whose plans were turned pear-shaped as this pandemic slammed shut windows (at least temporarily) and disrupted industries. Yet amid the mayhem, disruption and uncertainty lay opportunities for cultivating different forms of creativity and building the resilience required for any worthwhile endeavor.

Ten years from now, when we look back on the unwritten decade ahead, opportunities that are not obvious now will be clear as day. And while I don’t know what they’ll be, I know this: only those who’ve risked falling short or failing outright will have seized them.

So let me put on my coaches hat for a moment and invite you to reflect on these questions:

In what ways have you over-personalized negative feedback, failure or rejection?
Where is fear of being judged and found wanting keeping you from putting yourself ‘out there’?
Where are you giving more importance to the opinions of others than your own, allowing their subjective, biased and often incorrect assessments of you to narrow your future?
What new possibilities could open up if you decided to risk more rejection, not less of it?

The fact that Walt Disney’s concept for a theme park that would be the ‘happiest place on earth’ was rejected by 300 bankers and financiers before someone said yes or that Tom Brady was the 199th pick in 2000 NFL draft is sure evidence that sometimes people charged with assessing other people’s future potential based on their past performance have absolutely no idea.

When I interviewed Richard Branson a few years ago, we spoke at length about taking risks and learning to ‘fail forward.’ In recounting the launch of Virgin Cola, he shared said that:

“Every risk is worth taking as long as it’s for a good cause and contributes to a good life.”

I reckon that risking rejection in the pursuit of living a life that lights you up is a good cause.

I also reckon this:

You do yourself a profound disservice when you let the subjective evaluation others place on you depreciate the value you place on yourself.

In the long arch of life, people fail far more from protecting themselves from the sting of rejection than from outright exposure. So take a minute to get really present to what you are putting at risk if you don’t put yourself ‘out there’ and risk more rejection.

As I wrote in You’ve Got This!, you possess a unique combination of strengths, skills and expertise that enable you to contribute value to the workplace and world in ways that no one else can. Maybe similar to you but not the same!

Own that difference.

Time and time again I’ve found that fear of being judged and found wanting holds people back far more than any external obstacle. It’s not the rejection itself that holds their potential hostage, but the emotions of unworthiness that it triggers from internalizing and over-personalizing it. The irony is that by avoiding the possibility of rejection, we reject ourselves long before anyone else has the chance.

So wherever you are right now in your career – starting out or starting over – the challenges you’re facing matter far less than the mindset you’re bringing to them. In which case, can you do two small things for me:

Stop interpreting rejection as anything more than a decision (likely an irrational one) that someone made that wasn’t the one you wanted.
Dare to risk being rejected more often. Not to injure your pride but to expand your future.

Will that risk the occasional emotional sting? Sure. You’re human.

But imagine the possibilities that would open up for you if you moved forward with the mindset that rejection is simply par the course for growing into your fullest potential and creating a life that lights you up.

As I said to Maddy… reframe each rejection as a sign that you’re in the arena and have the courage to try. All the while remember that if your plans always worked out just as you wanted, you wouldn’t be half the person you are today nor appreciate it when they do!

Post Pandemic Growth: Bounce Forward Strong, Braver, Better

Margie — Wed, 27 Jan 2021 11:04:31 +0000

The old adage that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger is a nice sentiment. Yet it’s been often proven false. Some people don’t rise stronger from adversity. Many are left stuck in blame or self-pity, unable to move on they live under a cloud of fear, hurt, self-pity or a low-level, lingering malaise with life. Their mental and emotional wellbeing never recovers.

Yet adversity – whether in the form of a one-off traumatic event or a prolonged period of struggle (such as one might experience in a protracted pandemic!) is not an exclusively negative experience for all people. In fact, it can be a powerful catalyst for deeply positive personal transformation.

Enter ‘posttraumatic growth.’

The term posttraumatic growth (PTG) was first coined by psychologists Lawrence Calhoun and Richard Tedeschi in the 1990s to describe the phenomena whereby people emerge stronger in the aftermath of trauma. Considered to be both a process and an outcome, PTG is not the opposite of stress or absence of struggle, but can be experienced alongside it. To quote a common coaching maxim, breakdowns precede breakthroughs. The larger the breakdown, the more transformative the potential breakthrough.

Underscore ‘potential’.

In the realm of posttraumatic growth, the benefits of potential breakthroughs include an enhanced experience of life. Not just getting ‘back to normal’ but bouncing forward to a whole new level of wellbeing that surpasses any previous ‘normal.’ For instance, stronger self-esteem, deeper relationships, a greater appreciation of ‘the little things’ and of life itself. It also includes an expanded confidence for meeting future challenges…. “If I handled that, I can handle anything.” As my freshman college son Ben, who graduated high school in our living room last June recently said to me, “It takes a lot more to stress me out these days.”

It’s impossible to predict what post-pandemic growth each of us might experience when we can finally put this pandemic squarely behind us. Yet there’s reason to be confident that many, like Ben, will experience some. After the 2002-2003 SARS epidemic, 60% of Hong Kong residents reported enjoying stronger family relationships and a third felt better able to express themselves more authentically in all areas of their lives.

To facilitate your own ‘post-pandemic growth’ – so you don’t just ‘bounce back’ but ‘bounce forward’ to thrive on a new level – here are a few strategies you can practice. As you do, keep in mind, kites don’t rise with the wind, but against it!

Embrace the hard moments… you cannot thrive without them

Kintsugi is the ancient Japanese art of fixing cracked pottery or ceramic. Rather than hide the cracks, the broken pieces are rejoined with lacquer mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. When restored, the piece holds a new unique beauty, not despite its past ‘breakdown’ but because of it.

To move forward from this challenging time, we must embrace our own breakdowns for the opportunities they’ve held for us to grow, to learn and to experience life on a higher plane – individually, and collectively in our families, communities, organizations and society at large. This includes our often-underestimated capacities for agility, resiliency, ingenuity, and growth.

Celebrate sharpened strengths

Adversity has a way of introducing us to ourselves on whole new levels; acquainting us with strengths we might never have discovered. Chances are that over the last 12 months you’ve discovered new strengths or honed existing ones. Indeed this last year has provided a masterclass in building resilience, agility and new skills… from mastering Zoom to homeschooling (no one said you wanted that mastery class, but you got it anyway!).

Taking time to acknowledge the talents you’ve uncovered and mastery you’ve gained helps combat the negativity bias which works against posttraumatic growth.

Reach out, foster connection

We forge more meaningful relationships through our struggles and vulnerability than our successes and victories. Unsurprisingly, one of the strongest predictors of post-traumatic growth is a robust support network. So while you may feel tempted to wear a mask or withdraw entirely, make a point of staying in touch with a few people with whom you can reveal the truth of your life.

Rewrite your stories (reconstructing your ‘Assumptive World’)

You might not know this, but you live in what psychologists call an ‘Assumptive World.’ It’s like an elaborate mental map that helps us make sense of the world and our place in it. Trauma has a way of knocking our ‘assumptive world’ off its axis, as our beliefs about how the world (and our lives) ‘should be’ butt head with reality. Comments like ‘I never thought this would happen to me’ or ‘this just can’t be true’ tend to follow such collisions.

I remember saying just such things to myself when I experienced being held up at gunpoint and miscarrying my first (mid-term ) pregnancy in short succession. Sure I knew these things happened to other people, but I somehow assumed they would never happen to me. In the months that followed I had to reconstruct my assumptive world and craft a story that would enable me to move forward.

Reconstructing a shattered ‘assumptive world’ requires rewriting the story you have about how life works in ways that incorporate your new reality without leaving you lingering in emotions of self-pity, blame, or powerlessness in your ability to create a future worth living.

My new story expanded my optimistic ‘life is good’ outlook in ways that incorporated my expanded awareness that ‘bad things can (and do) happen to good people including me. It’s how we respond to our hardships and heartaches that define us, not the events themselves.

Look for ways to use your suffering for service

Holocaust survivor Victor Frankl wrote that “Suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning.” Of course we each gain meaning in different ways, but one of the most powerful is finding ways to channel our hardships and heartaches in service of others. Having a spiritual belief system – whether through religion or outside of it – therefore helps to facilitate PTG as it facilitates the process of meaning-making. As I found after my brothers’ suicide, leaning on my faith helped me process my grief in ways that deepened my resolve to live my life in ways that honored the life he would never live.

While the cascading crises of this pandemic have brought many of us to our knees, it’s also showed us that we rise stronger when we lift those around us. How can you be of greater service to others today? Your own wellbeing will benefit.

Double down on self-care (and be kinder to yourself!)

When life feels out of control, double down on what lays within it….starting with doing more of what nurtures you – body, mind and spirit. This includes being extra compassionate with yourself, particularly in your not-so-finest moments. We all have them and beating up on yourself for being fallible doesn’t make you less so.

Create a morning ritual that gets your day off to a strong start. Having recently relocated back to the US, I’ve just found a new morning bootcamp that always starts my day strong. That coupled with reading some form of ‘wisdom literature’ and a short mindfulness meditation (Insight Timer is my go-to) sets me up to handle everything else better. Of course, bootcamps in freezing temperatures aren’t everyone’s cup of tea. So find what works for you. As I have written before resilience isn’t what you have, it’s what you do.

Just because life is hard doesn’t make it bad.

Calm waters don’t make for great sailors. Growing into our potential requires weathering a few stormy times. You may not enjoy those rough waters that put a chink in your ‘assumptive world’, shattering the image you had of yourself and life. But research shows that accepting their inevitability will help you rise above them faster and emerge from them better off.

Often the experiences you’ve thought were ruining your life are actually opening a window to take it to a whole new level. Look for the open windows that are opening, and don’t dwell on those which have closed.

I truly believe that the universe is conspiring for our highest good. But we must do our part.

Let’s each do our bit to turn this turbulent time into a catalyst for transformation of the highest order. In our lives, in our workplaces, and in the world.